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Incle Josh, comedy, 2 hrs 



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T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 163 Randolph St., Chicago. 



UNCLE JOSH 



A DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS 



— BY — 

CHARLES TOWNSEND 



AUTHOR OF 



Early Vows" ''Rio Grande*' ''Spy of Gettysburg^''' ''On Guards 

** The Woven Web" "Border Land" "Broken Fetters" 

"Deception" "A Breezy Call" etc. 



7 



TOGETHER WITH CAST OF CHARACTERS, SCENE AND PROPERTY PLOTS, 

DESCRIPTION OF COSTUMES, ENTRANCES AND EXITS, 

AND ALL OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 



4— OEC 5 1u:>l 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON, PUBLISHER 

163 Randolph St. 



!\ 



^^x$^^ 



ONCLE JOSH. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Joshua Jarvis, "Uncle Josh," from Vermont. A farmer who 
reads the newspapers, and keeps his eyes open. 

Count de Courville, noble in name, but ignoble in 
character. 

Gerald Murray, a young New Yorker. 

Upson Downes, one of New York's choice " Four Hundred." 

Joe Clark, "Slippery Joe," a "bunko steerer." 

Mulchaey, a "dive keeper." 

MuNSON, a detective. 

Erastus, Mrs. Reynolds' servant. 

Mrs. Reynolds, Joshua's sister, a widow. 

Letty, her daughter, in love with Gerald. 

Miss Minerva Clackett, who is getting desperate. 

Time— The Present Day. 
Place— New York City. 

Time of Playing — Two hours and fifteen minutes. 



it'd^^'n 



Copyright, 1891, By T. S. Denison. 

2 



UNCLE JOSH. 3 

COSTUMES. 

Jarvis. — A typical ''down East" Yankee; chin beard, no 
moustache, speaks with marked "twang." Act i. Ill-fitting 
dark suit, long linen duster, straw hat with red band, turn 
down unstarched collar. Last entrance, no hat nor coat. 
Acts II, III and IV, same as Act I. without the duster. 

Count. — Refined French character, accent not too marked. 
Act I. Elegant walking suit. Act II. Prince Albert suit, 
with silk hat, walking stick, etc. Act III. Smoking jacket, 
slippers. Second entrance, same as Act 1. Act IV. Evening 
dress. 

Gerald. — Acts I and III. Business suit. Act II. Prince 
Albert suit. Act IV. Evening dress. 

Upson Downes. — Extravagant ''dude" dress throughout. 
A variety of "loud" neckties to change for each entrance. 

Joe. — Acts I, III and IV. Quiet business suit. Act II. 
Rather flashy dress. 

MuLCHAEY. — "Sporting" rig through. 

Erastus. — Acts I and IV. Black ''swallow-tail" coat, white 
tie and gloves. Act II and III. Ordinary dress. 

MuNSON. — Acts I and IV. Business suit. Act II. Rough 
dress, not too shabby. Red nose, tumbled hair, etc. 

Mrs. Reynolds. — Acts I and IV. Rich house dress. 

Letty. — Acts I and IV. Rich house dress. Acts II and 
III. Elegant walking costume. 

Minerva. — Typical "old maid;" costume rather bizarre. 
Acts I and IV. House dress. Act III. Street dress. 



PROPERTIED. 

{^See also ^^ Scene Plot.'') 
Act I. Salver with letter, visiting card, valise, umbrella, 
red handkerchief for Joshua, coin, dagger. 



4 UNCLE JOSH. 

Act II. Pack of cards, cigars, cigarette and matches for 
Upson, salver and glass of "cider," bottle of seltzer and 
glasses, paper containing white powder for Count. 

Act III. Papers and letters on table, pen and ink, letter in 
envelope for Letty. 

Act IV. Newspaper, coin, and small handkerchief for 
Upson, very large handkerchief for Erastus, paper and 
dagger for Count, handcuffs. 



SCENE PLOT. 

Act I. — Scene I. Drawing room at Mrs. Reynolds', in fourth 
grooves, with interior backing in fifth grooves. Doors C. in 
flat, R. U. E., and Z. i E. Chair and ottoman Z. Sofa R. 
Carpet down. Rugs. Easy chair up Z. All furniture, etc., 
rich and heavy. Stage must be clear from proscenium to first 
grooves, to allow for street scene. Sce7ie II. City street in 
first grooves. Scene I J I. Same as first scene. 

Act II. Card room in Mulchaey's saloon, in fourth grooves. 
Doors C. in flat, R. i E. and Z. U. E. Small tables and 
chair R. and Z. 

Act III. Private parlor in Count's apartments, in third 
grooves; Doors C. in flat, R. i E. and Z. 2 E. Handsomely 
furnished. Table littered with papers and letters, R. C. 
Chairs at table. 

Act IV. Same as Act I, Scene I. 



SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAMME. 
Act I. — Scene I. Mrs. Reynolds' drawing room in New 
York. Mother and daughter. A letter from Uncle Josh. 
The proposal. Cross purposes. Erastus in trouble. Scene II. 
A street in the city. Mulchaey on a ''bender." "Howld the 
sidewalk down for me !" The bunko steerer. The detective 
and Joe. "Take a walk." Uncle Josh arrives. Joe tries his 
little game. "Left." Scene III. Same as Scene I. A hasty 



UNCLK JOSH. 5 

marriage. The Count overhears. Jt)sh and the dude. "Wall 
by gum." Rejected. The insult. A blow. The attempted 
murder. Uncle Josh to the rescue. *'Put 'er up, b* gosh, er 
I'll brain you !" 

Act II. — Card room in Mulchaey's saloon. Plotting. The 
tipsy dude. "Aint I — bah jove — 'ic — one ther boys ?" Seeing 
the elephant. The decoy message. Uncle Josh in danger. 
The poisoned drink. Uncle Josh plays a trick. Fooled again. 
"I'm ther liveliest dead man you ever see." 

Act III. Count's apartments. Bills and duns. The Count 
and Joe compare notes. A fiendish scheme. The forgery. 
Letty and the Count. A plucky American girl. "I defy you." 
The Count shows his hand. Uncle Josh wants to fight. A 
surprise. 

Act IV. Mrs. Reynolds' drawing room. Erastus makes 
an offer. Minerva speaks her mind. "You shall see me no 
more." The Count asserts his power. Uncle Josh at work. 
"I'm not one o' the quittin' kind." The Count plays his hand. 
The bogus certificate. Uncle Josh makes a discovery. The 
detective takes. a hand. The Count in hot water. A trick 
that two can play at. Finale. 



REMARKS ON THE PLAY. 

In order that all who take part in this play may thoroughly 
comprehend the characters, the author gives the following 
descriptions, which should be carefully studied. 

Joshua Jarvis is a man of fifty, quick, keen, with all the 
sharpness of the ideal "Yankee." He is entirely ignorant of 
city manners and customs, and therefore makes amusing 
blunders wherever he goes. He is odd in speech and dress, 
yet is blissfully unconscious of it. This air of native simplicity 
must be kept up at all times, for therein lies the charm of the 
character. He can make up either stout or lean, red-faced or 
tanned — the former being preferable. The exciting business, 



6 I NCl.K jOSii. 

which closes the fust three acts must be rapid, and should be 
carefully rehearsed. 

Count de Courville This part requires careful work. 
The Count is a polished, elegant scoundrel, whose bearing 
must be easy and graceful at all times. He is a man of forty, 
quiet in dress, and a thorough gentleman in appearance. 
While this is a "dialect" part, yet the accent should not be too 
strongly marked, as this is in no sense a comedy character. 
The usual make-up for a Frenchman is required — black hair, 
eyebrows, moustache and goatee. His scenes with Jarvis 
must be carefully rehearsed — especially the climaxes, the suc- 
cess of which depends chiefly on these two characters. 

Gerald Murray is a type of the young business man of 
the day. He is brisk, energetic — a high-spirited, manly young 
fellow, and the part shoulvi be acted in a direct, clear and 
positive manner. His age is about twenty-five. 

Upson Downes is a "dude," and that, perhaps, tells the 
whole story. It must be borne in mind, however, that this^ 
iike all "character" parts, must be played consistently. The 
drawl, the vacant stare, the limp movements, the mincing 
walk — all these must be kept up, or the part will be incongruous. 
The make-up should be pale. No beard is worn. Upson's 
age is about twenty-one. 

Joe Clark. "Slippery Joe" is very smooth and plausible 
in speech. He is a "bird of prey," but he never shows his 
talons. His make-up is pale, and he dresses quietly, except in 
the second act, when he wears a flashy rig to escape discovery. 
Age, about forty. 

MuLCHAEY is a type of the loud voiced, drunken "heeler," 
who has a political "pull." He wears a heavy moustache, 
dresses "loud," and sports an abundance of vulgar jewelry. 
His age is anywhere from thirty to forty. 

Munson is very quiet in manner and dress, except when 
disguised as a " bum" in the second act. His drunken business 
must not be overdone, and his "asides" should be spoken 



UNCLE JOSH. 7 

clearly, and in a natural tone. His age is about thirty, 

Erastus is a middle-aged negro, with nothing to distinguish 
him particularly from servants of his class. 

Mrs. Reynolds is a woman of refinement and culture — a 
lady in all that the term implies. She is easy and graceful 
in bearing, dresses quietly, and in the best of taste. She has 
some very effective work, especially in the last act, and must 
enter freely into the spirit of the part. 

Letty is a girl of eighteen, lively, spirited, full of fun, yet 
withal, capable of exhibiting deep feeling. This is a difficult 
role, as she has such a variety of emotions to depict, and 
therefore should be studied with the utmost care. In the first 
act she is a merry, light-hearted girl ; but later on when 
troubles throng about her, the serious, earnest side of her 
nature becomes manifest. Her costumes should be in the pre- 
vailing fashion, rich but quiet. She should be made-up pale 
for the last act. 

Miss Clackett is the regulation "old maid" with all the 
assumed girlishness of her class. Her cheeks should be highly 
rouged, "corkscrew" ringlets may be worn, and her costumes 
should be somewhat loud. The part must be played with a 
great deal of tartness, and the longer speeches should be 
delivered rapidly. 

Special Notice. On a small stage, or where no street 
scene can be had, the first act may be played without change, 
by omitting the second scene. In that case, when Minerva 
seizes Erastus (af the close of Scene I ) she closes him out — 
whereupon Mrs, Rcynolds and Letty enter as at the 
beginning of Scene III, and the act progresses without inter- 
ruption. 



UNCLE JOSH. 



ACT I. 

Scene I. Drawing-room at Mrs. Reynolds, in fourth grooves. 
Richly furnished. Doors C. in flat, L. 2 E. and R. U. E. 
Stage clear from pros, to i G., so as to allow for next scene. 

Enter Mrs. Reynolds and Letty, R. U. E. 

Mrs. R. And so, my dear, you really wish to go abroad 
this season ? 

Let. Indeed I do. You know we have never done Switz- 
erland nor the Italian lakes. And besides — 

Mrs. R. {amused). And besides, Mr. Gerald Murray is 
going to visit those very interesting localities. 

Let. Why mamma — I — I — you know — (sits L.) 

Mrs. R. (laughing). Exactly my dear — I know all about it 
Mr. Murray is a charming gentleman and — I was young my- 
self once. 

Let. ( runs to Mrs. R.) Oh, you darling (embraces her). 
You're the best mother in the wide, wide world. 

Mrs. R. (kisses her). Thank you dear (they sit, Letty on 
ottoman beside Mrs. R.) But tell me, daughter. Has Gerald 
proposed ? 

Let. N-no — not yet. 

Mrs. R. Nor made love to you ? 

Let. (injured tone). Not very much. I'm afraid he's 
afraid to. 

Mrs. R. Ah, my dear, the bravest man hesitates to open 
his heart to a girl who will not be serious. 

Let. Oh, but I'm scared to death whenever he begins to 

9 



10 UNCLE JOSH 

talk seriously, and I have to laugh to hide my fear. It's a 
dreadful thing to get married. 

Mrs. R. Possibly. Yet I dare say cousin Minerva thinks 
it is far more dreadful to remain single. 

Let. Poor cousin — and she tries so hard to fascinate some- 
body. 

Mrs. R. And never succeeds. The sterner sex object to 
being wooed, and rebel whenever the attempt is made. 

Let. Because they want to do all the fascinating them- 
selves — and a wonderful tangle they make of it sometimes. 
There's the Count de Courville. He places his hand on his 
heart, like that — and rolls his eyes, like this (comic business), and 
says in bad English and good French, that I am ''von charmante 
mees, ze von lady in dis wide world zat he didiOXQ.s pour jamais ^ 
Then there is that utterly sweet Mr. Downes. He looks at me 
with one eye, while he holds his monocle in place with the 
other, and remarks: *'Yaas, bah Jove, Miss Reynolds — er — 
don't yer know, I think, bah Jove, that you are awfully fetch- 
ing, don't yer know." 

Mrs. R. You are not very flattering, my dear. But 
seriously, I wish you would discourage any attentions from the 
Count de Courville. I believe that he is a hard, cruel man. 
Besides, he has an assurance about him which I thoroughly 
dislike (rises. Y^^tvw goes R.) 

Let. So do I. Yet one cannot be positively rude, you 
know. 

Efiter Erastus, C. D. 

Eras. De postman jes done fotch dis letter, Mis' Reynolds. 

Mrs. R. Thank you (takes letter. Exit Erastus, C. D.) 
It is from my brother Joshua (opens letter). ' 

Let. Anything special ? 

Mrs. R. Um — I should say so. Listen (reads). ''My dear 
sister, everything is doing well on the farm, so I now take 
my pen in hand, and set down to say as how I am well and 
hope you air the same. I guess 1 don't know of nothing 



UNCLE JOSH. I r 

why I can't come to visit you, as I promised fifteen years ago. 
I'll start to-morrer morning by the first train, and I'll git thar 
afore sundown. I have got a new linen duster, and a straw 
hat with a ribbon, so I guess I'll be right in style. Your loving 
brother, Joshua Jarvis. P. S. N. B. I forgot to say that 
Mollie aint well." 

Lem. Molly? Who is she ? 

Mrs. R. I'm sure I don't know {reads). "She bellers from 
morning 'till night — " 

Let. Poor woman. 

Mrs. R. [reads). '"'Cause her calf got killed by the cars." 

Let. Oh ! 

Mrs. R. So he is really coming. 

Let. How is it, mamma, that Uncle Josh is so different 
from you? 

Mrs. R. My dear, your uncle was a poor boy who had no 
chance to become polished. He was only twelve years old 
when our parents died, yet it was his stout heart and willing 
hands that made a home for us. I was finally adopted by a 
lady of wealth, who gave me every advantage that mon6y 
could procure, while he remained to work his way as best he 
could. What he lacks in polish, he makes up in mother-wit 
and hard common .sense. He is the kindest and best of men, 
but he is a keen judge of human nature; and whoever tries to 
fool him will catch a Tartar. 

Enter Ekastus, C. D. 

Eras. Am yo' to home, missus ? 

Mrs. R. Who is it ? 

Eras. Mistah Upside Down. 

Let. You mean "Upson," not "Upside." 

Eras. Yas'm. 

Mrs. R. {to Letty). Well — are we ? 

Let. Oh — yes, I suppose so. 

Mrs. R. We're at home. 



12 UNCLE JOSH. 

Eras. Yas'm {^exit C. D.) 
Let. That dreadful dude. 

Mrs. R. I've an idea; we will send him to meet your 
uncle, who will probably arrive on the five o'clock train. 

Ente?- Erastus rt!^^' Upson, C. D. 

Eras. Mistah Upside Downside. 

Up. {to Eras.) Aw — that's not right, don't you know. 

Eras. Begs yo' parding sah, an' I — 

Up. Yaas. All right. Get out. {exit Erastus, C. D.) 
Ladies, youah devoted, {bows). 

Mrs. R. We are glad to see you, Mr. Downes. Pray be 
seated [all sit). It has been quite an age since you were here. 

Up. Yaas— aw — I have been to the sea shore foh a couple 
of days, don't you know. 

Let. Ah ! Then you like the sea ? 

Mrs. R. And the bathing too, no doubt ? 

Up. Oh, deah no. Beastly thing, the sea. I nevah bathe. 

Let. What then? 

Up. Why — oh yaas — why, I put on me bathing suit, don't 
you know, light a cigarette, and stroll up and down the beach. 
I wouldn't go into the howid watah foh anything. 

Enter Minerva, 7?. U, E. 

MiN. Why, how do you do, Mr. Downes? {he rises). I am 
so very, very much delighted to see you. (Mrs. R. a/idhETTV 
go up L.) 

Up. Yaas {sits on sofa, R^ What a dweadful old maid. 

MiN. {beside him on sofa). Our hearts have been bowed 
down since you were away, Mr. Downes. 

Up. Yaas ? 

MiN. And yet I fear that you are a bold, bad man, Mr. 
Downes. 

Up. Yaas. 

MiN. One whom we innocent young girls ought to shun. 



UNCLE JOSH. 13 

Up. Yaas. 

MiN. You are such a perfectly charming talker — 

Up. Yaas. 

MiN. That you steal our tender young hearts in spite of all 
that we can do. , 

Up. Yaas ? 

MiN. [hand ofi heart, aside). Sit still my heart, sit still. I 
feel that he is about to propose. Mr. Downes — I — 

Up. Yaas. 

MiN. {bashfully). I — I'm listening. Go on. 

Up. {aside). Now what ails the old girl > 

MiN. {aside). How my heart flutters. 

Let. {to Mrs. R.) I think Mr. Downes is in danger. You 
ought to help him. 

Mrs. R. Y (try ^q\\ {comes down). Pardon me, cousin. Mr. 
Downes, will you do me a favor ? 

Up. {briskly). Yaas — bah Jove — with the greatest of 
pleasure. 

Mrs. R. I expect that my brother will arrive at the Grand 
Central station at five o'clock. He is from the interior, and 
is unused to city ways. Now if you would meet him at the 
station — 

Up. {rising). Delighted, don't you know. 

Mrs. R. He is an elderly man, rather gray, wears a linen 
duster and a straw hat, and is very countryfied in manner. 

Up. Aw — something of a wuwal wustic, so to speak. 

Mrs. R. Yes sir. He is a "rural rustic" as you call him, 
but that is nothing to be ashamed of. I was a country girl and 
I am proud of it. (Minerva goes up L.) 

Up. Of caws. I've been in the wuwal districts myself, and 
it's awful jolly. In the country there's gvvass, and aw — milk, 
and flowahs and — er — picnics, and tramps. Yaas. {goes up C.) 

MiN. Don't hurry away, Mr. Downes. There's plenty of 
time. 

Up. Beg your pardon, but I have to go home, don't you 



14 UNCLE JOSH. 

know, and put on me five o'clock necktie. This (poifithig to 
tie), is me four o'clock necktie, {goes up). An revoi)\ ladies, 
{exit C. D.) 

MiN. {angrily). That's always the way— always the way. 
When a gentleman calls to see me, of course you must get rid 
of him. Oh, yes — of course, {crosses). 

Mrs. R. Why, cousin Minerva ! 

MiN. Well, you might let me have one chance, now and then. 

Let. So you shall. When uncle Joshua arrives, you may 
set your cap for him. 

MiN. {huffily). Thank you. Miss. But you will please re- 
member that 1 am not setting my cap, as you call it, for 
anybody. And I want you to understand that I do not rush 
headlong at every man I meet, for I think such actions are very 
improper in a young girl of my age. And moreover, I am so 
shy and retiring that I can never say one little, single, solitary 
word when there is a man around, as you know perfectly well, 
even though 1 do say it — which is nothing remarkable, as 
everybody knows that I am not the least possible bit talkative — 
so there now. {crosses). 

Enter Gerald, C. D. 

Ger. Good-afternoon, ladies. I took the liberty of — 

MiN. Why, how do you do, Mr. Murray ? I "am so very, 
very 7niich delighted to see you ! 

Ger. {coolly). Thank you. {joins Letty). 

MiN. {straightens up). Well ! What she can see in that 
young man, gets me. I can't bear the sight of him. {exit 
R. U. E.) 
■ Ger. Miss Clackett seems angry. 

Let. Yes. She thinks mamma has been throwing stones 
into her matrimonial fish-pond. 

Mrs. R. Do not laugh at her, dear. You know that "hope 
deferred maketh the heart sick." (^^^j- i^.) Poor Minerva is 
getting desperate, {exit R. U. E.) 



UNCLE JOSH. 15 

Let. Now you see what you have done. 

Ger. What have I done ? 

Let. Of course. You have trifled with Minerva's atfections ! 

Ger. Trifled with your great-grandmother's affections! 
Why, Letty, I never did anything of the sort. 

Let. I suppose not. My great-grandmother has been 
dead for thirty years. 

Ger. I was speaking of your cousin. 

Let. At all events, she was very glad to see you. 

Ger. That's nothing. She would be glad to see the King 
of the Cannibal Islands, I dare say. 

Let. Well, I'll bet that you have said soft things to her. 

Ger. Nonsense ! You know better. Perhaps you judge 
me by that frog-eating, French humbug who is here so 
much. 

Let. {pretendwg to reflect). Let me see: Frog-eating — 
humbug ? Now who in the world do you mean ? 

Ger. I mean that jumping-jack who calls himself the Count 
de Courville. 

Let. Ju-mping-jack ? You are certainly not very compli- 
mentary toward my friends. 

Ger. That fellow is not your friend. I believe that in 
spite of his rank, he is only an unprincipled adventurer. 

Let. But the Count is very handsome and distinguished. 

Ger. 1 should like to 6\xtinguish him. 

Let. Why should you speak in this way ? 

Ger. Why ? Because I love you, Letty, with all the love 
of a true man's honest heart, {arm around her ^ takes her hand.) 
Because I want you all for my own little wife, dearer to me 
than all the world. 

Let. Oh, Gerald, you take my breath away. 

Ger. Do I ? Then I'll give you some of my own. [kisses 
her.) What do you say, dear ? 

Let. I say {sees Erastus approaching.) Oh, bother 
(crosses.) ' 



1 6 UNCLE JOSH. 

E7iter Erastus, C. D. 

Eras. De Count de — de — suffin; dar's his card. (Lettv 
takes it). 

Ger. Not at home. 

Let. Stay — (to Gerald). I will send my cousin to enter- 
tain him. 

Ger. Very well. 

Let. Admit him. 

Eras. Yas'm. {exit C. D.) 

Ger. But you haven't answered me yet, dear. Wont you 
say "yes ?" 

Let. Well — ye — s — {teasing). I — guess so. {t/icy go R.) 

Ger. Ah, you little rogue. How you love to tease a fellow. 
{exeunt R. U. E.) 

Enter' Count, C. D. 

Count {looking off R. U. E.) So ! My rival ees here, eh ? 
I like not zat. Pah ! Should I care ? No. Ze Americain 
ma'amzelle will be mine when I say so — or if she refuse me — 
veil, I make her sorry she ever live. Parbleu ! She be not 
such a fool as to make of me an enemy And zen — why, she 
want my rank and title — I want her money and her own loafly 
self. It ees von bargain. 

Entei- Minerva, R. U. E. 

MiN. {aside). There he is — waiting for me. How my timid 
little heart flutters. Ahem ! {he turns). Ah, Count, {bows). 

Count {boivs profoundly). Ah, ma'amzelle. 

MiN. {bows profoundly). Count ! 

Count {same business). Ma'amzelle ! 

MiN. {same business). Count ! 

(Zq\3^'Y {short boui). Ma'amzelle! {aside). Ivonderisshe 
vound up ? 

MiN. Ah, Count, I am so very, very much delighted to see 
you. 



UNCLTF. JOSH. I 7 

Count. Yes — and it be of mutual delight, {aside). Ze 
old paint shop. 

Mi'ti. (aside). What a charming man. {aloud). You flatter 
poor me. 

Count. 1 ? No, nevair. Zat is too much impossible. 

MiN. Then this house really has some attraction for you ? 

Count. Some attraction ? Ze greatest in ze world. My 
hope, my life ees here. 

MiN. {aside). Oh, I k/ioiv he is going to propose. 

Count. Could I but feel that my lofe it be returned — 

MiN. You may, Count, you may. 

Count. Charmant ! You make of me so happy. So 
ma'amselle Letty — she give to you her confidence ? 

MiN. Letty ? What has she to do with it ? 

Count. To do ?" Why all to do. She zat I adore — 

MiN. {screams). Ah ! You wretch ! You villain ! 

Count, {surprised). Pardon me, ma'amzelle — I comprehend 
not — 

MiN. You deceiver — you base, base deceiver ! {down a 
little). 

E)iter Krastus, unseen by Minerva, R. U. E. 

Count, {aside). Au diable ! I better make von skeep. 
{exit C. D.) 

MiN. I'm going to faint — ah — ah! {staggers^ is caught by 
Erastus. Slie sees him. Springs up, catches him by the collar 
and shakes him. Scene changes). 

Scene II. .-/ city street in first grooves. Enter M\.u.chm\y 
drunk, L. i E. 

MiTj-. Begorry, I'm full. Me name is Mulchaey an' I'm 
drunk. Mr. Mulchaey, aint ye ashamed av yerself ? Yis I om. 
Phat did yes git loaded for? I'^aith I dunno. Yer a fool, ye 
air Mr. Mulchaey. Yer a liar. Go home an' put yer head in 
a bag. Yis sor. (Sings. Air: " /^attl^ Cry of Ereedom"). 



1 8 UNCLE JOSH. 

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow. 
Shouting the battle cry of freedom, 

An' iverywhere that Mary wint, the lamb was sure to go, 
Shouting the battle cry of freedom. 
Hurrah thin for Mary, hurrah for the lamb. 
Hurrah for the little sheep, that didn't give a — continental. 
Rally round the flag boys, rally once again. 
Shouting the battle cry of freedom, (goes J^.) 
Aisy now ! Hould the sidewalk down for me, somebody. 
Stiddy — Mulchaey — stiddy. {Meets Upson at R. i E., flings 
him Z., and exit R.) 

Up. Oh, murdah ! What a wude, wough man. And how 
unpleasant his breath was. I wondah if he disarwanged me 
five o'clock necktie? {looks L.) Bah Jove. Here comes 
some one. I'll awsk him. 

Enter Joe, Z. i E. 

Beg pardon my friend, but aw, is me necktie all wight ? 

Joe. Correct to a dot. 

Up. Thanks awfully. You see I met a vawy unpleasant 
fellah just now, and I was afvvaid he had mussed me up; and 
I was on me way to the station to meet an old fellah who is 
coming on the five o'clock twain, and — 

Joe. Yes ? Who is he } 

Up. a wustic fellah named Jarvis, from Vawmpnt, who is 
coming to visit his sistah, Mrs. Reynolds. 

Joe. Well, you have plenty of time. I'm employed at the 
Central station, and the five o'clock train is an hour late. 

Up. Yaas ? Then I'll have time to wun home, doncher 
know and put on me six o'clock necktie. Thanks awfully. 
{exit R. I E.) 

Joe. Talk.about country jays. If there is any bigger gull 
than a New York dude, I'd like to invest. That was a regular 
la la of a steer he gave me. {enter Munson quietly^ Z. i E. 
unseen by Joe). Let me see. An old farmer named Jarvis 



UNCLE JOSH, 19 

from Vermont, coming to visit his sister, Mrs. Reynolds. 
Wont I work him ? Well, my name aint Slippery Joe if I don't. 
Now as an opener, I'll just — 

MuN. (dose to him). Take a walk. 

Joe. {turning). Sir ! 

MuN. Oh, I'm onto you, Joe, big as all out doors. 

Joe. {frightened). Why, Mr. Munson, I didn't know — 

MuN. That you were talking out loud, and giving yourself 
dead away ? I ought to run you in for that, if nothing else. 

Joe. But I've done nothing. 

MuN. All right. But I think, Joseph my boy, that I'll see 
you down to the next corner. Trot along. {Exeunt R. i E. 
as Joshua enters L. i E.) 

Josh. Wall, by gosh, {drops valise and umbrella^ and wipes 
face and hat band with large handkerchief ). Ef this don't jes' 
beat ther deuce, as ther feller said when he plunked down ther 
three spot ! I'll be teetotally consarned, ef I haint clean plumb 
flabbergasted! Lost my sister's address like a consarned 
chump, an' dinged ef I know what ter du. Guess folks ain^ 
much acquainted here in New York. I asked ther conductor 
whar she lived, an' b'gosh he didn't know ! Neither did ther 
ticket seller at ther depo'. Told me ter look in a dictionary. 
By ginger ! I'd a licked that feller for a cent. 

Enter Joe, quickly^ R. i E. 

Joe. I gave that cussed shadow the slip for once anyhow. 

Josh. Say, young man, be you acquainted much around 
here? 

Joe. Somewhat, {aside). It*s my pigeon, sure enough. 
{aloud). If I am not mistaken, you are Mr. Jarvis, from 
Vermont. 

Josh. June bugs an' grasshoppers I How on airth did yer 
know ? 

Joe. Easily enough. I am intimately acquainted with your 
sister — Mrs. Reynolds. 1 just came from her house. She was 



20 UNCLE JOSH. 

not feeling well, and asked me to meet you. So come on, 
(starts R.) 

Josh. Well I declare ! {aside). I don't jest like his looks. 
He's too iley. {aloud). Whar's she living now ? I've plumb 
lost her address. 

Joe. Oh — over on the avenue. 

Josh, {aside). Ketched him ther fust thing. She don't live 
on no avenue. B'gosh ! He's a bunko steerer. 

Joe. Come, Mr. Jarvis. Your sister will be waiting. 

Josh. Say, young man, what's yer name ? 

Joe. Why, my name is Smith, sir — John Smith. I am 
Secretary of the Young Men's Christian Association. 

Josh. That's a thundering lie. 

Joe. Sir ! 

Josh. Oh, don't git on yer high hoss, Mr. Bunko Steerer. 

Joe. Eh ? {threate?iing). Don't be so flip, you old muff, 
or I'll break a hole in yer face. 

Josh, {shaking him). Yer will, eh ? Will yer? Better let 
out that air contract, {hurls ]o^ to his knees). Now look a 
here, yer young whipper-snapper. I don't read ther news- 
papers fer nothin'. I'm up to these bunko tricks bigger'n a 
wood chuck (Jerking him to feet). Now git — for my left foot 
is jest itchin' ter set yer up in ther leather business. 

Joe. {at L. i E.) You cursed old hayseed ! I'll get even 
with you for this, even if I do time for it. {exit L. i E.) 

Josh. Vamoose ! Sorter took ther wind out er his sails. 
Wall, I'll mosey along, {picks up valise and umbrella). I'll 
find a hotel an' git a boy ter hunt up my folks. 

Enter Upson, R. i E. 

Bullfrogs an' pollywogs ! I wonder ef it's alive? Say, be 
you allowed ter wear them clothes right out doors ? 

Up. Aw — aw — yaas — weally — 

Josh. Tongue tied, eh ? Knowed a feller up in Varmont 
troubled ther same way. It's wuss'n rheumatics, by gum, 



UNCLE JOSH. 21 

Up. Aw — 1 beg your pawdoii, but — er — 

Josh. Great snakes ! Du speak er say suthin'. 

Up. Yaas. If you come from Vahmont, perhaps you may 
be Mr. Jarvis. 

Josh. P'raps. An' p'r'aps 1 may be ther angel Gabriel. 

Up. Yaas. If you should he Mr. Jarvis, youah sistah, Mrs. 
Reynolds — 

Josh. Sent you ter meet me, eh ? By gum ! It's another 
of them bunko fellers ! But who'd a thunk it. 

Up. She awsked me to meet you don't you know. 

Josh. She did, eh ? Now look a here. You take this 
satchel and carry 'er right straight to my sister's. Don't you 
try ter run off with it er I'll jab ther pint of this umbrella 
[shakes uinbrelld) right through yer gizzard. 

Up. But I caunt do it, you know. Bah Jove I — 

Josh. Shet up ! Pick 'er up. (Upson does so taking both 
hands). Put 'er on yer shoulder, (he does so). For'd march. 
(they go R.) 

Up. Oh, I'll call a policeman — me life's not safe. 

Josh. Dry up ! Ef you say another word I'll ram my um- 
brella down yer consarned throat, an' spread 'er wide open. 
(Exeunt R, i E. Scene changes.) 

Scene III. Mrs. Reynolds' drawing room., same as before^ 
Discoi^ers Mrs. Reynolds and Letty seated on sofa. 

Mrs. R. And so, my dear, you are engaged ? 

Let. Yes^I suppose so. 

Mrs. R. You suppose so ? 

Let. Well, \ guess I said "yes." Gerald wouldn't give me 
a chance to say anything else. And "no" is a dreadfully big 
word, especially when you don't want to say it. 

Mrs. R. You have made a good choice, and I hope you 
will be happy. 

Let. How dull and formal marriages are nowadays. 
There is never a touch of romance about them. 



2 2 UNCLE JOSH 

Mrs. R. For which you should be truly thankful. These 
romantic, hasty marriages are seldom happy. I ran away with 
Mr. Reynolds (Covm: listens at C. JD.) we found a clergyman 
on the train, who married us at the rate of forty miles an hour. 
In the hurry and confusion I lost or mislaid the certificate, and 
as we could trace neither clergyman nor witnesses all the usual 
proofs were lacking. 

Let. Why did you not get married over again ? 

Mrs. R. Your father spoke of having the ceremony 
repeated, but it was delayed from day to day, until it was too 
late — for he died suddenly within a year. In his will, he left 
everything to me, as his wife, which of course was proof 
enough. 

Count, {aside). Ah, was it ? Perhaps not. {disappears). 

Let. Uncle should be here by this time. {c?osses). 

Mrs. R. Possibly Mr. Downes was unable to find him. 

Let. More likely he couldn't find his five o'clock necktie. 

Enter Erastus, C. D. 

Eras. Mistah Upside Down an' — 

Josh, {outside). Go right along, young feller. 

Eras. Here dey come ! 

Enter Upson, carrying valise, and Josh., C. D. 

Josh. Here we air, b'gosh ! {exit Eras. R. U. E.) 

Mrs. R. Brother — 

Josh. Wall, by gum ! {kisses Mrs. R.) I'm glad to see 
you. 

Mrs. R. {introducing). My daughter, Letty. 

Josh. Why, how you've gro wed ! {kisses her). Talk erbout 
honey. Why you're sweeter'n all ther maple sugar in Varmont 
biled down. 

Up. {still holding valise). Oh deah ! 

Mrs. R. Why, Mr. Downes, what's the matter ? 

Up. I'm dead. 



UNCLE JOSH. 23 

Josh. Put 'er down. (Upson drops vah'se). Easy, consarn 
ye. There's a bottle of maple syrup in that air satchel, an' ef 
you've broke it, I'll bust yer head. 

Let. Oh, Uncle ! 

Up. I'll have him awested for assault an' battery. 

Josh. Git out ! A feller can't commit 'sault an' battery 
'cept on a man, an' b'gosh I hope you don't call yerself one. 
You see, sis, I met a bunko man up near ther depo', an' arter 
I run him off this dood blowed along an' pertended ter know 
me. I kinder thought he didn't know enough to be a bunkoist 
but to make sure I obleeged him to carry my satchel. 

Mrs. R. That was wrong, brother. 

Josh. Wall, p'r'aps it was. Say, young feller, here's five 
cents fer yer trouble. Don't fool it away now. 

Up. {throivs down money). This is an insult, [goes up). I'll 
get even with him, if it costs me twenty-five cents, (exit C. £>.) 

Josh, (picks up money). A fool and his money is mighty 
soon parted. The idea of a feller throwing away five cents. 
It's agin ther laws of natur'. 

Mrs. R, We dine at six, brother, so if you would like to go 
to your room — 

Josh. Dinner at six o'clock ? Geewilikens ! When do you 
git supper ? 

Mrs. R. We rarely have supper, unless we are out. 

Josh. Then you must hist in a pile o' breakfast ter last all 
day. 

Mrs. R. Ah, but we have luncheon at mid-day. 

Enter Erastus, R. U. E. 

Take Mr. Jarvis' valise to his room. 

Eras. Yas'm. 

Josh. Hold on — sa}' — be you a bunkoist ? 

Eras. He, he ! No sah — I dunno sah. I reckon not 

Josh. Wall, handle that satchel mighty keerful. 

Eras. Yes sah. Dis way, sah. (exit C. D.) 



2 4 UNCLE JOSH. 

Josh. Jest holler when dinner's ready, an' I'll be on deck. 
{exit C. D.) 

Let. Oh dear, he is a diamond in the rough. What shall 
we do with him ? 

Mrs. R. Treat him as we would the most polished gentle- 
man in the world. He is my brother, remember, and however 
uncouth his dress or manners, it shall pass unnoticed, {goes up). 
We never know when we may need a friend, and he is one on 
whom we can rely at all times, {exit R. U. E.) 

Let. Mamma is right, of course — but, oh dear ! I wonder 
what Gerald will think of him ? 

Enter Count. C. D. 

Count. Ah, ma'amzelle, I am of great delight to see you. 

Let. Why, Count, I thought you had been frightened 
away, 

Count. By ze ancient maiden ? Mais oui ! She frighten 
ze Old Niek himself. I beat a retreat — I make vot you call 
von skeep out, Zen, ven she be gone, I return. 1 must have 
some private converse to you alone. 

Let. Not now, Count. I must beg you to excuse me. 

Count. Pardon me. Ze time ees now. I have told you 
of my lofe for you. I give you rank, a title — I make of you 
ze Countess de Courville. Shall I have zat honor ? 

Let. Thank you, Count, but I must decline. 

Count {aside). Diahle ! She refuse of me. {aloud). 
You know not vot you say. I hope ma'amzelle you be not so 
foolish. 

Let. I certainly would be foolish to marry a man for whom 
I care nothing. 

Count. And you care not to be a lady of rank ? 

Let. American girls are not always hunting for titles. 

Count. No? But suppose one of zem have no name of 
her own ? 

Let. What do you mean, sir. 



UNCLE JOSH. 25 

JSnifer Gerald^ C. D., remaining up. 

Count. 1 mean zat van one's parents are not married ze 
person ees no more zan a — 

QfER. {comes down). Silence! You contemptible scoundrel. 

Count. Yees. Zare ees a — lady — present, {goes L.) 

Ger. And her presence alone protects you. [beside 
Letty, H.) 

Let. Please don't quarrel with him, Gerald. 

Count. Ah, I see. You have no name of your own, 
ma'amzelle, so you seek one of zat young fool. 

Ger. Leave the room, you cur. 

Count. So ? Ah, Mees Nobody, {comes C.) Must I — 

Ger. You hound ! {strikes Count, who staggers back. 
Gerald turns to Letty). Forgive me dear — I couldn't help it. 

Count (Z.) A blow ! {draws dagger and starts toward 
Gerald). 

Efiter Joshua, quickly, C. D. 

Josh, {threatens Count with chair). Put er up b'gosh, er I'll 
brain you. 

Quick Curtain. 

R. Letty. Gerald. Joshua. Count. Z. 



ACT n. 



Scene. — Card room in Mulchaey's saloon in fourth grooves. 

Doors C in flat, R. i E. and L. U. E. Cards, tables and chairs, 

R. and Z. Discovers Mulchaey and Joe playing cards at 

table, L. Both are smoking. 

MuL. Don't be shy now — come, ante up, ante up. 

Joe. I pass, I tell you. 

MuL. The divil yes do ! Look here, Joe, me by, why is it 
that ivery toime f stay, ye pass; and whiniver ye stay, I'm not 
in it t 



26 UNCLE JOSH. 

Joe. It's because neither of us can pluck the other. It's 
no use, Mul. You and I can't play poker against each other. 

MuL. Right ye air, me beauty. Now I'll play ye a square 
game o' siven up, for the drinks — no chatin', moind, on aither 
side. 

Joe. {pushing back cards). Hang the cards. 

Mul. Ye can't do it, me by; and thare's where the paste- 
boards have the best av it — for they've bin the manes av 
stringin' up minny a mon. 

Joe. I know a couple of men I'd like to string up. 

Mul. Yis ? Who now ? 

Joe. Munson, that infernal detective, for one. 

Mul. Amin. 

Joe. And that blasted hayseed for another. 

Mul. Hayseed ? 

Joe. Yes. A fellow named Jarvis, from Vermont. He 
queered me like an old rounder, yesterday. 

Mul. Ye don't mane it ? An' did he work yez ? 

Joe. No, blast him — but I couldn't work ///;;/. 

Mul. Begorry — an' what ailed ye ? 

Joe. Oh, I was all right; but the blamed old duffer had 
been reading the newspapers, and he tumbled too easy. 

Mul. Thare should be a law agin lettin' country payple 
rade noospapers. It's demoralizin' our business. Aven a 
daycint, respictable saloon kayper loike mesilf, can hardly git 
dieted alderman nowadays, betwane the opposition, the noos- 
papers and tiuiperance cranks. 

Joe. Oh, drop politics. I want a chance to "do" that "jay." 
Mul.- Thin take a sand bag an' do him. Don't sit thare 
growUn' like a dog wid a sore hid. 

Enter Count, C. D. 

Count. Gentlemans, I bid you ze good evenings. 

Mul. Glad to see ye, me by. How goes the world wid ye? 

Count. Ze vorld ? It ees no go. 



UNCLE JOSH. 27 

MuL. Ye don't say ! Sit down now an' relate yer gray- 
vance. (Count st'/s at dack of table). Has yer schame wid 
that young leddy taken a tumble ? 

Count. Tumble ? I take ze tumble. He loafer he get 
before me, and I get — vot you say — 

Joe. Fired out. 

Count. Oui — fired out by zat ole provincial — curse 
him ! 

MuL. What the divil's a provincial ? 

Count. Stoopid ! Ze ole farmer. 

MuL. Ah, ah. The very man we were sphakin' about. 

Joe. Is that straight ? 

MuL. Honest Injin, me by. Me frind here had a bit av a 
cotillion wid the same ould rhooster. 

Joe. I'd like to make him dance to another tune. 

MuL. Thin why not try the sand-bag jig ? 

Joe. It's too risky. 

Count. I remind me of a better plan zan ze bag of sand. 

MuL. Out wid it. 

Count. He go about to see ze sights. Ver' likely he come 
here. He drink. In zat drink I drop von leetle powder, zat 
makes him fall asleep. 

Joe. That cuts no figure. 

Count. Bah ! You see nossing. Yen he sleeps ve open 
ze man hole of ze big sewer. See ? He float away and ze tide 
carry him out. 

MuL. It's a foine schame, but I'm not in it. 

Joe. You will be though. 

MuL. Not by a dom soight. I don't moind doin' a mon in 
the usual way, but to drown him in a sewer — faugh ! 

Joe. Do you remember the fellow whose neck you broke ? 

MuL. I did it wid me fist in a fair foight, and I — 

Joe. Dumped him in the sewer afterward. It's no use 
Mul. We're all in the mud together. 

Count. Is it a bargain ? 



25 UNCLE JOSH, 

MuL. I suppose so. But may the divil fly away wid yez 
for drivin' me into it. 

Enter Upson a7id Erastus, C Z>. 

Up. {tipsy). Wastus ! 

Eras. Yes sah. 

Up. Shay — ic — aint I — bah Jove — ic — one ther boys ? 

Eras. Spect yo' am sah. 

Up. Whoo ! 

MuL. Be gorry ! Moind that now. A dude on a bust. 

Count. Ze fool ! Come, Joseph, {they exit L.) 

Up. Wastus ! 

Eras. Yes sah. 

Up. Stan' still, cawn't you ? Wun me to a seat. 

Eras. Yes sah. {helps him to seat). 

MuL. Has he been smellin' av a schooner o' beer ? 

Eras. No sah. Some ob de boys done loaded a glass ob 
pop, sah, an' he was drunk afore he knowed it. Darfore, he's 
done got me to took care ob him. (Upson lurches). Stiddy, 
sah. 

Up. Wastus ; 

Eras. Yes sah. 

Up. Where — ic — where am I ? 

Eras. You's all right, sah. 

MuL. Better chuck him into a keb an' take him home — or 
hire him out to a musayum. {goes up). I niver heard before 
av a dude havin' brains enough to be effected by licker. 
{exit L.) 

Up. Wastus ? 

Eras. Yes sah. 

Up. I — ic — wanter fight, {hat falls off). 

Eras. Yes sah. {replaces hat). 

Up. I'm — ic — I'm bad man. {same business). 

Eras. Yes sah. {same business). 

Up. Blood'n me eye. (same business). 



UNCLE JOSH. ^9 

Eras. Yes sah. (bangs hat on Upson's head). 

Up. Wastus ! 

Eras. Yes sah. 

Up. Shut — ic — shut up. {tries to light cigarette, but fails). 

Eras. Yes sah. Come erlong sah. [Jerks Upson to his 
feet). It's time fo' yo' ter be put ter bed. {goes up). Yes 
sah. {aside). It's pow'ful 'sponsible to be tookin' car' ob a 
New York 'ristocrat out on a buster, {exeimt C. D.) 

Enter Joe and Count, Z. 

Joe. Talk about luck. We're in it. That old jay is coming 
right in here. 

Count. But zat cursed Murray ees along — and he knows 
me. 

Joe. I'll have Mul pipe him off. Take a sneak now and 
I'll tip you the cue when the coast is clear. 

Count. Be of care you make no slip, {exit L.) 

Joe. {crosses and sits JR). Now, my country friend, your 
name will soon be Dennis. 

Enter Joshua and Gerald, C. D. 

Josh. Sorter tony, aint it ? 

Ger. Very. One of our city law makers runs this dive. 

Josh. It orter be powerful respectable then. Let's set 
down, {they sit L.) I'm clear tuckered. These air stun side- 
walks air tough on a feller's corns. 

Ger. Well sir, what do you think of the city ? 

Josh. Think ! Great snakes ! Haint had no time to 
think, yet. It's nothin' but slam, whang, bang, rush, crowd, 
push and holler like a passel o' lu/z^/ics. Why's everybody 
in sech a consarned hurry for, anyhow ? 

Ger. Because they haven't time to go slow. 

Josh. Well, I'm dry as ther inside of an oven. Let's have 
a glass o* cider. Hi ! {pounds on table). Hello ! Some- 
body. 



30 UNCLE JOSH. 

Enter Mulch aey, Z. 

MuL. Yis sor. 

Josh. What's cider wuth ? 

MuL. By the barrel or at retail ? 

Ger. Two. (exit Mul., Z.) 

Josh. But I say — 

Ger. It's all right, sir. This is on me. 

Josh. All right — only you orter figgered on the price afore- 
hand. He may charge five cents a glass, fer all we know. 

Ger. That's correct. 

Josh. What ! Five cents fer a glass o' cider? By gum ! 
Why, up in Varmont you kin git all you want ter drink fer 
nothin'. Seem ter me these air barkeepers air mighty stingy. 

Ger. Oh, no they're not. They sell whisky at ten cents a 
glass and throw in a big head in the bargain. 

Efite?- Mulch AEY, Z., with cider and glasses. 

Mul. Here ye are sor. (Gerald pays him). By the way, 
are yez Mr. Murray ? 

Ger. Yes. 

Mul. I tho't so. Well, a messenger by wint past a bit ago 
yellin' as how thare wor a big fire on Thirty-fourth strate jist 
beyant Fifth avenue, and I tho't — 

Ger. (aside). Letty lives there ! No mistake? ' 

Mul. Divil a wan. (goes up). 

Ger. You must excuse me, sir. I must leave you for a 
short time. Remain here until I return. 

Josh. Keerect. 

Gy.k. (aside). Keep your eyes open, (goes up). No funny 
work with him, Mulchaey — you understand ? 

Mul. An' what the divil do you take me for ? 

Ger. For a man who will bear watching, (exit C. Z>.) 

Mul. He's a sharp man. But he'll nade to ate a pile o' 
razors to be sharp enough to cut me, bedad. 

Josh, (drinks). Hum ! Pretty durned good. Never 



UNCLE JOSH. 31 

tetched his neither. Wont du ter waste it. {empties other 
glass). 
MuL. (aside). What an opening fer apple juice. 

Ente7- Joe and Count. They sit at table, R. 

Joe. Waiter ! 

MuL. Yis sor. 

Joe. a bottle of champagne. 

MuL. (aside to him). Come off the roof. Take gin an' 
seltzer. 

Joe. Come off yourself. 

MuL. That's all ye'll git on me. 

Joe. Very well, then, (exit Mul., Z.) 

Josh. Slick lookin* fellers. Wonder who they be ? 

Count (to Joe). Begin ze vork. 

Joe. I say, my friend, would you mind joining us ? 

Josh. Wall— .►I dunno. What's ther damage ? 

Joe. Nothing at all. I foot the bill. 

Josh. Yer du ? Wall, then, I'm willin* ter be sociable. 
(sits at head of table facing audience). I'm a friendly critter in 
sech a case. Who might yer be when yer to hum ? 

Joe. My name is Williams. I'm a detective. 

Josh. Perlice, eh ! That's good. A feller allers feel safe 
when ther perlice are around. Who's 'tother feller .? 

Joe. This is General Duploy — an officer in the PVench 
army, who is seeing the American elephant. 

Josh. Glad ter know ye. 

Count. Ze pleasure ees mutual sair. 

Josh. I'm Joshua Jarvis, esquire—a Justice of the Peace 
up ter hum in Varmont. 

Count, A magistrate? Sair, I am honored. 

Josh. Seein' ther elephant, be you ? Say, 'tween you an' 
me an' ther tater patch, aint ther American elephant a purty 
gay ole bird ? 

Count. So he be. I see nossing like to hirti in France. 



32 UNCLE JOSH. 

Enter M UN son, disguised as drunken tramp. 

MuN. Hooray ! Whoop ! Down — 'ic — down with pauper 
labor. 'Tection fur 'Merican industry ! Whoop ! (staggers 
down I.) 

Josh. Snakes an' lizards ! What ails him ? 

Joe. Bug juice. (Munson sits at table, L.) 

Count. I sink he be two sheets in ze vindmill, eh ? 

Mun. (sleepily). I — 'ic — I aint drunk. I'm er free born — 
'ic — born 'Merican citizen. No flies — 'ic — on me. (bows head 
on table prete7iding to sleep). 

Josh. He seems tired, b'gosh he duz, 

Joe. He is. Got too heavy a load. 

Enter Mulchaey, Z., with bottle of seltzer and glasses. 

MuL. Here ye air, gents. 

Josh. By gum ! (takes bottle). What's this thing? 

Joe. Seltzer. Press the handle. (Josh does so and the 
water flics out of his glass) . 

Joe. Thunder ! 

Count. Diable ! 

Josh. Jerusalem ! (wiping face). \Vhy didn't you say 
she was loaded ? 

Count, (aside, brushing clothing). Ze ole fool. 

Josh. Say, ef it's all ther same ter you, I'll take cider. 

Joe. Same for me. 

MuL. All roight, gents, (exit L.) 

Josh. Who'd a thunk that carnsarnded thing would shute 
like that ? (Count rises and goes up). 

Joe. It's charged with gas, sir. 

Josh. Gas ? I thought it was biled gunpowder. 

Count, (shaking Munson). Vake up here — vake up. 
Come ! Sacre I It be of no use. He have his jag. 

Josh. I s'pose you perlice have lots o' trouble with them 
air fellers ? 

Joe. Not when they are well corned. 



UNCLE JOSH. 33 

Enter Mulchaev, Z., with two glasses of cider on salver. 
During the following^ Count empties powder into one glass. 
MuNSON observes it. 

•Josh. What's done with 'em ? 

Joe. The patrolmen dump them into cart and roll them off 
to the station. Next day they usually get ten dollars or thirty 
days. 

Josh. Great snakes ! Wall, I'd take ther ten dollars. . 

MuL. Here ye air gents, {gives drugged cider to Josh). 

Count (/^ Mul.) Good. Now ve be on ze look out. 

MuL. {points to Munson). But the bum ? 

Count. Nevair mind him. He has a cargo, {they exit L). 

]oE. {raises glass). Here's luck. 

Josh, {stopping him). Wait a minute. When cider costs five 
cents a glass, yer wanter go slow. 

Joe. Oh, hang the expense, {places his hat on table). 
Here goes. 

Mun. {aside). I'll put a stop to that, {rises^ staggers over 
to them). Shay — 'ic — shay, gents, aint I in this ? {they both 
lower glasses without drinking). 

Joe. You couldn't get another drink down with a pile- 
driver. 

Mun. Bring on yer pile driver, {knocks Joe's hat to the 
floor). 'Scuse me, boss. 

Joe. You clumsy fool, {stoops down for hat). 

Mun. {quickly changes glasses). It's drugged. Keep mum. 

Josh. Keerect. 

Joe. {places hat on table). Now skip. 

Mun. All ri', blowed tough luck. Reg'lar — 'ic — reg'lar 
freeze out. {staggers up C.) Goo' — 'ic — goo' night, {exit C^ 

Josh. Good-night, {aside). Suthin's up' b'gosh. Wonder 
what 'tis, {aloud). Wall, here's my regards, {drinks). 

Joe. Drink hearty, {sips a little). 

Josh. This air cider tastes sorter queer. 



34 UNCLE JOSH 

Joe. It's all right. Drink it down. 
Josh. Wall, 'twouldn't du ter waste it. (empties glass). 
Joe. {aside). Now we've got him. 

Josh. Jumpin* bullfrogs ! That seems ter go all through 
a feller. Say — I'd think you folks (yaums) would die off young. 
Joe. Why ? 

Josh. Fer lack o' sleep, (yawtts). I never slept a wink 
last night fer ther noise. 

Joe. Oh, we all get used to that in time. 

Josh, (sleepily). Wall, I can't hold my eyes open, (yawns), 
I'm gittin' powerful (nods sleepily) powerful sleepy. 

Joe. (aside). That must have been a strong dose. 

Josh, (nodding). Five cents a glass. Set 'em up agin. 
(drops head on arms^ pretending to sleep). 

Joe (aside). His goose is cooked, (goes L.) Hey ! All 
O. K. 

Enter Count and Mulchaev, L. 

Count (cautiously). Ze drug it vork, eh ? 

Joe (same business)' Dead sure. 'Sh! Is the coast clear ? 

MuL. (same). Yis — all riddy. (Munson appears listening 
at C. Z>,, unseen by others). Begorry, me by, I'll have nothin' 
to do wid any dirthy work — moind that now. 

Count. Ze diable take you. 

MuL. Faith he wont whin ye air by. 

Joe. Shut up, both of you. Here, Frenchy, grab hold. 
(Count and ]oe seize Joshua, ivhen) 

Enter Gerald, Erastus and Letty, C. D. 

Let. (rushing to Josh). Uncle ! Uncle ! Wake up ! He 
never moves. Oh, Gerald, they have killed him ! (Joe drags 
Count Z., as Letty ejiters). 

Josh, (springing up^ goes C.) Not much, b'gosh ! I'm ther 
liveliest dead man you ever see. 

Quick Curtain. 
R. Letty. Gerald. Josh. Mul. (up L.) Count. Joe. L. 



UNCLE JOSH. 35 

ACT III. 

Scene.— /*r/W/^ parlor in the Count's apartments^ in tliird 
grooves. Richly furnished. Doors C. in flat, R. i E. and 
L. 2 E. Table y littered with papers and letters, R. C. Dis- 
covers Count seated at table. 

Count, (looking over letters). "Your account must be paid 
at once." — So ? Get it if you can. (takes another). "Oblige 
us by an early .settlement." — Anuzzer dun — bah ! (takes 
auother). "Sair, I need money." — So do I. I be at ze end of 
ze rope. If I get no money soon — pouf ! Ze jig it be up. 
Curse zat ole farmer. He escape me. Veil — he prove nossing. 
And as for ze girl, I have her tight. To save a scandal she 
must marry me. I send her ze little note zat will bring her 
here, (knock C. D.) Entree. 

Enter Joe, CD 

Ah, Joseph. How do you feel, eh ? 

Joe. Rocky. 

Count. Rocky ? By zat you mean — 

Joe. Played out — done up — let down — coppered. 

Count. Ah, oui — yes — so am I. 

Joe. It was a close call we had last night. Sure you 
drugged the stuff ? 

Count. No meestake about zat. I never blunder zat vay. 

Joe. Perhaps the old duffer tumbled and changed the 
glasses when I wasn't looking. Anyhow, I spilled the other 
glass, so they have no proof. 

Count. Joseph, you are von breek-bat. 

Joe. What's the next scheme ? 

Count. Keep still — say nossing. I have here (sho7vs paper) 
ze leetle scheme zat vill make everything go my own vay — zat 
ees if you help to do ze job. 

Joe. Want my help, eh ? What's in it ? 

Count. A thousand dollars. 

Joe. What's the racket ? 



36 UNCLE JOSM. 

Count. Here, (shows paper'). Mrs. Reynolds have no 
marriage certifeecate. I show ze reason. I make out by zis 
paper zat her husband have anuzzer wife at ze time he marry 
her. Zis be a certifeecate of his first marriage. You and I 
sign as ze vitnesses. 

Joe. I see. A bit of forgery, eh ? (examines certificate). 

CouNt. Old. You do not stop at forgery ? 

Joe. Not if you give me an agreement, stating the facts. 

Count. You doubt my honair ? 

Joe. Stuff. Don't talk about honor, to me. 

Count. Veil, (writes). I give you ze agreement, (writes). 

Joe. (aside). I'll have a dead grip on the slippery cuss, or it 
wont work. 

Count. Here, read, (gives paper). 

Joe. (rea.ds aloud). ''One month after my marriage with 
Letty Reynolds, I promise to pay Joseph Clark the sum of 
one thousand dollars," Good enough, so far as it goes. Now 
just add to that: "For swearing to the marriage certificate of 
the late James Reynolds and M'Ue Lucette Dubois, the 
certificate of which was forged by me." 

Count. Paff ! You sink I run my head in ze nooze like 
zat ? No sair. (crosses). 

Joe. Then goto the devil with your forgery, (goes up). 

Count. Stop ! Here, I sign, (writes). 

Joe. (aside). I've got him, anyhow. 

Qoxi^n. (writing). "Forged by me." Zare, I hope it satisfy 
you, 

Joe. (examines paper). Correct. Now I'll sign your paper. 
(signs). Do you think it will work ? 

Count. To be sure. Remembair, zat marriage take place 
in France, twenty years ago. How old be you ? 

Joe. In years or experience ? 

Count. Oh, nonsense. 

Joe. Well, then, ]'m thirty-eight. 

Count. Good. You were zen traveling in France for 



UNCLE JOSH 37 

pleasure. You remembair all ze particulars. Mr. Reynolds — 
tall, fair, blue eyes, blonde. Ma'amzelle Lucette, slight and 
dark. Zey marry in Paris. Vou and I ze only vitnesses. 

Joe. What a gorgeous liar you are, Count. Munchausen 
cuts no figure with you. 

Count. Nevair mind zat. When ma'amzelle Letty find zat 
I prove by zis paper zat she be not a legal child, she vill marry 
me quick, to save exposure, {^pockets certificate). 

Joe. Great scheme. I'm dry. Got any liquids ? 

Count. Plenty of it in my cabinet. (goes L) Come. 
(Joe exit L. 2 E^ Now I have her in spite of any ole farmer. 
{exit L. 2 E.) 

Enter Erastus, C. D., after knocking. 

Eras, {at C. D.) Nobody to home ? Come in Miss. 

Efiter Minerva, C. D. 

Min. Oh, Erastus, I — I'm so frightened. 

Eras. Bar's no danger, Miss. No man 'ud hurt yo'. 
{aside). Golly ! Like ter see any man try it — dat's all. 

Min. I wonder where that villain is ? 

Eras. Mebbe he's done got skeered an' dusted when he 
seed yo' comin'. {aside). Mos' any man would, I reckon. 

Min. Perhaps he did. He would not dare to face an 
innocent young girl like me. {aside). I heard Letty say she 
must come here, and I consider it my duty to learn why. Not 
that I care anything about it, for I am not a person to meddle 
with other people's affairs, nor to pry into matters that don't 
concern me. {at table). I wonder what all these letters are 
about ? {looks at Erastus, who does not observe her). I think 
it's my solemn duty to look at some of them. Not that I ever 
pry into — {opens letter). Well, of all things! This letter is 
written in French or Latin or Dutch or some other dead lan- 
guage. It's an outrage. ' I can't read a word of it. {crosses). 

Eras, {comes down). Dis ar' Counter puts on heaps 6' style. 



38 UNCLE JOSH. 

Wonder ef he's ter home? Reckon I'll vestigate. {^oes L,) 

MiN. Erastus ? (he stops). I'm shocked. The idea of 
prying about in that way. Do you think / would do such a 
thing ? 

Eras. Yas'm — I mean no mum. Co'se not. (goes up C.) 

MiN. I guess I better be going. Letty must have changed 
her mind — and I wouldn't have it known I was here for the 
v/orld. 

Eras, (at C. D.) Oh, Miss Nervy, dar's somebody comin'. 

MiN. Land sakes ! Oh, what shall I do ? Hide me, Eras- 
tus, hide me. 

Eras. Yas'm — wharabouts? 

MiN, Anywhere — don't be a fool. 

Eras. Kin — kin you git unner de table ? 

MiN. You idiot. Here, quick ! Come this way. (goes R). 
Come, (exit R. i ^.) 

Eras. 'Scuse me. 1 reckon I better stay right where I is. 

Enter Letty, C. D. 

Let. Erastus ! 

Eras. Yas'm. 

Let. Why are you here ? 

Eras. Why — I — I sorter kim to look arter dis yar Counter. 
Reckoned he mought be up to some mo' tricks. 

Let. You must tell no one that you saw me here. 

Eras, Yas'm, I wont, (goes up). 

Let. What does this letter mean ? (reads). *' If you would 
save your family from disgrace, you will make a visit to me at 
once and all alone. You will say no word of this to any one, 
at the risk of immediate ruin. Count de Courville." What 
dreadful mystery is this ? 

Enter Count and Joe, Z. 2 E. 

Count, (speaking as he enters). Now you understan' 
eversing ? 



UNCLE JOSH. 39 

Joe. Dead sure, (sees Letty). Hello ! You've hooked 
your fish. 

Count. Good. Now skeep. 

Joe. Tra-la. (goes upy runs against Erastus). Get out 
of my way, Coal tar. (pushes htm aside and exit C D.) 

Eras. I'd like ter smash him — I would fo' a fac*. 

Count. Mees Reynolds —I am delighted — it was so kind 
of you for to come. Pairmit me. (offers chair). 

Let. Thank you. I prefer to stand. 

Eras. Yas sah. We bofe prefers to stan'. 

Count. You here — you black beggar ? 

Eras. Ise no beggar, sah. I arns an hones' libbin' — an' 
dat's more'nj'f?// kin say. 

Count. I break off your stupid neck. 

Let. Count ! 

Count. Ah, ma'amzelle — pardon me — I forget zat he be 
your servant, and I assure you zat — 

Let. Very well. May I ask the meaning of this letter ? 

Count. Certainly. But to you alone, and in private can I 
explain. 

Let. Very well, sir. Erastus, you may go. 

Eras. Yas'm. (going — aside). Dar's sumpin up, har, 
suah. I'll go an' tell de folkses. (exit C. D.) 

Count. Now, ma'amzelle, you know zat I am your friend — 
zat I lofe you, and — 

Let. Enough of that. Explain this letter if you please. 

Count. Zat ees vot I am about to do. You are proud, 
ma'amzelle — you hold your family name above all sings else ? 

Let. Yes. 

Count. Good. Zen you do anysing to save your name 
from disgrace ? 

Let. I fail to understand you. 

Count. So ? Zen 1 make myself clear to you. Your 
mother she have no marriage certifeecate. Why ? Because, 
ven Mr. Reynolds marry her he have a vife already. 



40 UNCLE JOSH. 

Let. (crossing). That is a comtemptible falsehood. 

Count. So ? (shrugs shoulders). I expect you say zat. 

Let. Yes — and I repeat it, Count de Courville. Do you 
think to frighten me by a cowardly attack on my dead father's 
name ? I'll hear no more, coward that you are. (goes up). 

Count. Pardon me. If you leave now, ze story goes into 
ze newspapers, backed by ze proof zat I hold. 

Let. The. proof? 

Count. I said so. I have it here — ze certifeecate of your 
fader's marriage to Ma'amzelle Dubois, one year before he 
marry your mother. ( Letty sinks into chair ^ L.) You read 
French. See for yourself, (holds paper before her). 

Let. (looks at paper). Supposing this were true, his first wife 
might have been dead. 

Count. So she might. But she did not die, though your 
fader leave so her shamefully. I be her friend — her country- 
man; I see her marry your fader, and after he abandon her 
she write me all ze sad story, (takes letter from pocket). By 
chance I keep ze letter. See — shall I read it to you ? 

Let. (aside). Oh, my father. Can this be true ? 

Count. Your mother be not a legal wife* you be not a 
legal daughter. 

Let. (springi?ig up). You infamous scoundrel ! I defy you. 

Count. Here ! No more of zat. I be patient, but I stand 
no more such talk. Defy me ? Bah ! You know not vot you 
say. Defy me ? Do it; and in twenty-four hours ze whole 
city know your history. Ze sensational newspapers take it up. 
Vot you think your society, your friends say ven zey know, eh ? 
It be a choice morsel for ze gossips to roll under zare tongues. 

Let. (weeping). Oh, father, father. 

Count. Come, ma'amzelle — be of good heart. Say but ze 
vord and I destroy all proof. 

Let. What shall I say ? 

Count. Zat you marry me, and say nossing of zis interview. 

Let. But Count, I cannot— 



UNCLE JOSH. 41 

Count. Enougli. It is zc only alternative; for, mark me, 
if you refuse, you know ze consequence. {,i!;'ocs u/> L.) Some 
one comes ! Quick — decide. 

Let. I — I promise. Oh, where can I hide ? 

Count. Chaj-mante ! {leads her L.\ Zis vay — inhere. I 
call you soon. 

Let. {aside). Oh, Gerald, Gerald ! My heart is broken. 
{exit L. 2 E,) 

Count. Victory ! She make a plucky fight. Zat ees vot 
[ like in ze American girl. 

Enter Gerald and Josh., C. D. 

Count. Viable ! Vot brings zem here .? 

Josh. We've treed our 'coon, b'gosh. Whar's Minervy ? 

Ger. And wher's Miss Reynolds ? 

Count. I know not vot you mean. 

Josh. That's a gol durned lie. 

Count. Sare ? 

Josh. Don't git on yer high hoss with me, er I'll make you 
i,dnk a Varmont cyclone's got loose. I'm an onhitched bliz- 
zard when I'm riled, an' I'm gittin' mad ! VVhar be they? 

Count. Leave ze room, you ole fool, or I make you. 

JosiV Hey! {flings off coat). I'll jest — 

Ger, {stopping hi?n). Keep cool, sir. We'll find them. 
{^oes to R. I E. and opens door. Enter Minerva). Mi^s 
Clackett ! 

Josh. Christopher Columbus ! The nigger told the truth. 

Count. (Z.) I know nossing of zat ole female voman. 

Min. I — I came here to find Letty. 

Ger. I dare say. 

Josh. Wall, we'll see ef she's here, {goes to L. 2 E.) 

Count, {interposing). Stop, I tell you. 

Josh, {flings him aside). Get out — er I'll spile yer. {opens 
door L. 2 E. Enter Letty). Limpin' Jehosaphat ! An' here 
she is. 



42 UNCLE JOSH. 

Ger. Letty, what is the meaning of this ? (Minerva goes 
up jR.) 

Count. It be none of your affair. 

Ger. Sir. 

Count. Veil, be it so very strange zat a lady call on her 
fiance ? 

Ger. You mean by that ? 

Count. I mean zat I be ze happy man. 

Ger. You liar ! 

Count. Bah, you fool ! Ask ze lady herself. 

Ger. (takes her hand). My darling, look him in the face 
and tell him that his words are false. 

Let. Oh, Gerald, I — I cannot. 

Ger. You cannot ? (turns aivay). 

Let. Forgive me, Gerald. I have promised to marry him, 
and I — I — . (faints). 

Count. Ma'amzelle. (approaches). 

Josh. Stand back ! Er I'll knock yer blasted head off. 

Curtain. 
R. Minerva. Count, Josh. Letty. Gerald. L. 



ACT IV. 



Scene — Mrs. Reynolds' draiving-room^ same as before. Dis- 
covers Erastus seated up R. C. back to audience. 

Eras, (drowsily). Yas'm — Ise comin'. (yawns). Now • 
(turns around). 'Clare to goodness ef I aint been ersleep ! 
Fings am gittin' wusser'n wusser'n wusser. Dat ar' Counter 
seems ter be runnin' ebberyting in dis house, an' nobody else 
aint got nuffin' ter say, nohow. Oh-h ! I'd like ter git at 
him wiv er razzer, I would. Wouldn't I slice him up ? 
Wouldn't I stop his jabber ? I jes' reckon. I aint jest got no 
sorter use fer a man wot can't talk United States grammar — 
atically. No use, sah — no use. 



UNCLK JOSH. 43 

Enter Mrs. Reynolds and Minerva, R. U. E. 

Mrs. R. Has he been here this evening, Erastus ? 

Eras. You mean de Counter? Hasn't come yit. 

Mrs. R. If he should call, Letty will be unable to see him. 
The poor child is suffering terribly with nervous headache. 

Eras. Yas'm. Mis' Reynolds, 'taint none o' my business, 
but ef yo' says de word, I'll frow him plumb outer de winder, 
er turn a razzer loose onto him. 

Mrs. R. Not for the world. Treat him politely. That is 
all. 

Eras. Yas'm. {going). Oh-h — I'd like jes' one chance. 
(exit C. n.) 

MiN. Cousin, what power has that man over Letty ? 

Mrs. R. I cannot imagine. It's so sudden — so unexpected. 
When she came home yesterday looking so heart-broken, and 
told me she had accepted the Count de Courville, I could 
scarcely believe my ears. Poor Gerald is nearly frantic with 
rage, and my brother says — 

MiN. I know what he says, and his language is perfectly 
awful. 

Mrs. R. Who can blame him ? 

MiN. Nobody. Oh ! — I wish I were a man, sometimes, so 
that I could swear, (crosses and exit L.) 

Enter Letty, R. U. E. 

Mrs. R. (going to her). My poor child. Are you feeling 
better ? 

Let. (seated R.) Somewhat, although my head aches 
dreadfully. 

Mrs. R. I cannot bear to see you suffer like this. Why 
have you thrown Gerald over ? Why have you promised to 
marry that — 

Let. Hush, mother — don't ask me. I cannot tell you, in- 
deed I cannot. 

Mrs. R. But I do ask you, dear, and you should tell me. 



44 UNCLE JOSH. 

You have had no secret from me before, and now, of all times, 
you should confide in me. 

Let. Oh, mother, if I only could. But I have ,2^iven my 
word, and cannot, dare not break it. 

Mrs, R. You surely do not wish to marry the Count de 
Courville ? 

Let. I would sooner marry the most wretched beggar on 
our streets. But my own heart cannot speak. I have promised 
to marry him and I must keep my word. 

Mrs. R. But if your word was plighted through compulsion, 
there is no moral law to bind.it. 

Let. You may be right. 

Mrs. R. I am sure of it. Confide in me, dear, and I am 
sure that with Gerald's help — 

Let. Gerald ! Ah, how he must despise me. But there, 
mother, say no more, I have pledged my word to silence. I 
have steeled my heart to this — this sacrifice, and for my sake, 
for yours also, let us bury the past. I must marry the Count 
de Courville — I tell you I must ! There is no possible way to 
avoid it. {crosses). 

Mrs. R. {sinks mto chait). My poor child, my poor child. 

Let. {beside her). There, there, mother, cheer up. It's not 
so very dreadful after all. I'll — I'll be a Countess, you know, 
and all our friends will congratulate me on making such a 
splendid match, while all the girls will be green with envy. 
Haven't I a brilliant future ? 

Mrs. R. You frighten me, Letty. If you marry that man 
it will kill you. 

Let. {aside). The sooner the better. 

Mrs. R. Yon cannot deceive me. You love Gerald Mur- 
ray, you despise the Count, and as sure as there is a just God 
above us, you shall not ruin your bright young life through his 
evil power. I shall forbid him the house; I shall set the 
police to work to fathom this mystery — 

Let. And disgrace us forever. 



UNCLE JOSH. 45 

Mrs. R. Disgrace ? 

Let. Yes, disgrace. You have no idea of that man's 
fiendish cunning, nor of his terrible power. The sword of 
Damocles hangs over our heads, ready to fall at any moment. 
Therefore, say nothing, do nothing — at least, for the present. 

Mrs. R. Well, if you think it is for the best — 

Let. I am sure it is. Promise me then. 

Mrs. R. I promise. 

Let. That's a dear, {kisses her). It's all for the best. 

Mrs. R. Can I help you in any way ? 

Let. No, thank you, dear. 

Mrs. R. Then excuse me for a short time, (goes R. — aside), 
I promised, but I'll keep my eyes open, just the same, {exit 
R. U.E.) 

Let. {looks off R. U. E.) Poor, dear mother. For her sake ! 
For her sake ! {sits L.) How will all this end ? If I marry 
the Count, I save our name from the disgrace he threatens, 
though I darken my own life forever. And what will my 
friends think ? What will Gerald say? He will believe me 
faithless, scheming, unworthy of an honest man's love. Oh, I 
cannot endure it, I cannot, I cannot ! {qiiickl}'). Would I 
not do better to brave all — to defy that man ? {rises). I can. 
I will, {goes up C; pauses). But no. His proofs are too 
strong; and the disgrace would kill my mother, {comes down 
R.) Come what will, I must bear the burden alone. 

Enter Gerald, C. D. 

Ger. Letty ! {embraces). 

Let. Oh, Gerald ! 

Ger. You would not see me, yesterday, my darling, but 
now that we have met, tell me that you were not in earnest — 
that you were frightened when you made that avowal. 

Let. I was frightened; but Gerald, it can make no differ- 
ence, {goes Z.) 

Ger. (i^.) What? 



46 UNCLE JOSH. 

Let. It is true. I have promised to marry that man, and 
1 must do it. 

Ger. You must ? Are you under compulsion ? 

Let. Don't ask me — please don't — for I can tell you 
nothing. 

Ger. There is some mystery here. You have been driven 
to this. 

Let. It is — it is my choice. 

Ger. Do you mean to say that you no longer love me ? 
(pause). Then you throw me over to secure a title. You 
trample on my heart as a worthless thing, a broken toy, which 
has amused you for an hour, only to be cast aside for a new 
fancy. 

Let. Ah, Gerald, if you only knew how unjust, how cruel 
you are. 

Ger. You do well to charge me with injustice — you whom 
I loved dearer than life itself — you whom I looked upon as an 
ideal woman, incapable of deceit. Why, it is enough to make 
me doubt the angels in heaven. 

Let. (asiae). How he must despise me — and I can say 
nothing. 

Ger. Very well, Letty. (goesupR.C.) Marry the Count. 
Secure a title. And when this polished, elegant, noble 
scoundrel has dissipated your fortune — when he drags you 
down to his own level, or failing in that, casts you adrift with 
contemptuous scorn — then you may recall this day and suffer, 
perhaps, what I suffer. (Letty sits weeping.) Good-bye. 
You shall see me no more. 

Enter Count, C. D. 

Count (Z. C.) Veil sare — vot are you doing here "i 
Ger. {R. C.) I am looking at a cur, that calls himself a man. 
Count. Sacre ! If I but had you in Paris for an hour. 
Ger. i^vith quiet intensity). An hour ? I can thrash a dog 
in five minutes. Do you understand ? 



LXCLE JOSH. 47 

Count. I fight not of ze fist, and I scorn to bandy more 
talk. Ma'amzelle, order him to leave ze house. 

Ger. Quite unnecessary. I have already said adieu Once 
more then, good-bye. 

Let. Good-bj^e. {exit Ger., C. D.) 

Count {comes down). I have enough of zis. I request zat 
if he come here again, he be forbidden to enter; also zat your 
uncle leave. 

Let. Do you, indeed ? 

Count. Shall I say, I command ? So be it, zen. See zat 
you obey. 

Let. {rising). Count de Courville, this is not your house. 
You may force me to marry you by the contemptible use of 
your power, but I am not your slave, and I dare you to try to 
make me one. 

Count. Bravo ! Zat ees genuine high tragedy. 

Let. Enough, sir. {goes up R.) You have my promise, 
remember, but if you goad me further {at R. U, E.) I will 
risk all to expose you, trickster and coward, {exit R. U. E.) 

Count. I do not sink zare'U be much honey in our honey- 
moon. But I care not. Bah ! It be money and not honey zat 
I be after. But I forget not all she say to me. Coward, 
trickster, villain, eh ? Ah, good. I put all her insults and 
abuse at compound interest, and ven ze time comes I repay it 
all in full. Ah, yes. I have a good memory, a most excellent 
memory, and I make sings very interesting for people who in- 
sult me. {exit R. U. E.) 

Enter Upson and Erastus, C. D. 

Up. Wastus, I'm in a dweafful hobble. 
Eras. Dat so sah ? 

Up. Yaas. Look here, Wastus, did you tell anybody of 
the condition I was in the other night 1 
Eras. No sah. 



46 UNCLE JOSH. 

Up. Are you — aw — sure ? 

Eras. Dead sartin. Why, sah, ef de bredren in my church 
knowed as how I'd been a cavortin' wiv you, sah, dey 'ud 
disciplin' me suah's yo' bo'n — praps dey'd turn me outer de 
church. Our s'ciety am pow'ful s'lect, sah. 

Up. Yaas. Well, it's got out, somehow, and I'm wuined 
foh Hfe. {takes paper fi'om pocket). Here's that dweadful 
Evening Howler got it all in. Listen, [reads). "Mr. Upson 
Downes, a shining light of dudedom, who is celebrated for the 
fact that he knows enough to come in when it wains — " 

Ears. Dat's a libel, sah. 

Up. Yaas. [reads), "and also, that aftah years of study, 
has learned to tie his own necktie — " 

Eras. I'd hab 'em 'rested, sah, 'deed I would. 

Up. Yaas — but then, I <:^«tiemy own necktie, don't you know. 

Eras. Oh, den ob co'se it's all right. 

Up. Yaas. [reads), "went out to paint the town wed the 
other night. He dwank a pony of beeah, also a glawss of pop, 
and wound up by eating a bag of peanuts. The wesult was 
that he was soon in a vawy hilawious condition." Was I ? 

Eras. Oh, yes sah. You wus dreffle hilarious. 

Up. Say, did I change my necktie that night ? 

Eras. Only twice, sah. 

Up. And how long did my — aw — wazzle dazzle last? 

Eras. Five hours, sah — from seben to twelve, sah. 

Up. [sits). Five hours. And only two neckties. That 
completes my disgwace. [presses 7'ery small handkerchief to 
eyes). It bwings tears to my eyes. 

Eras. It's dreffle sah, dreffle. [uses very large handkerchief). 

Up. [rising). Wastus, here's ten cents. Don't you evah 
tell a?iybody about the neckties, and I'll give you moah, some 
day. Can't you let me out by the side door ? I don't want to 
meet anybody, don't you know. I am utterly cwushed. 

Eras. Yas sah. Dis way, sah. [they go L.) 

Ui' And Wastus— 



UNCLE JOSH. 49 

Eras. Yas sali. 

Up. I wegister a solemn vow, that I'll nevah, nevah get 
dwunk on peanuts again, so long as I live, {exeunt L. 2 E.) 

Enter Josh, and Gerald, C. D. 

Josh. No you don't. I'm agoin' ter see this here thing 
out, an' you're agoin' ter stay tu, b'gosh, 'till we know what's 
what. 

Ger. But my dear sir, I tell you that nothing will come of it. 

Josh. Think so? Wall, young folks air mighty smart, 
but we ole 'coons git thar sometimes jist the same. 

Ger. It will do no good to see Letty again. She cares 
nothing for me. 

Josh. Git out. Think I haint got no eyes ? Why, that air 
girl's heart is dead sot on you. 

Ger. It looks like it. 

Josh. Don't be sarcastical. 

Ger. If she cares for me, why should she break the engage- 
ment — why has she accepted that infernal frog-eater ? 

Josh. How wide is a river, how deep is a well, how long is 
a piece of rope ? 

Ger. {turns away). Nonsense. 

Josh. Look a here, my dear feller, my questions air jest as 
sensible as yourn. Ef we know'd what's what, thar'd be no 
more trouble. 

Ger We can learn nothing, so we may as well quit. 

Josh. Not by a dum sight. I'm not one o' ther quittin' 
kind. I've sot out to git to the bottom o' this, an' I'm going 
plumb down. I've had ther perlice on ther jump fer the past 
twenty-four hours, diggin' out facts 'bout this air Count an' 
his pals, an' we're likely ter have a surprise party fust thing 
you know, as will play hob with somebody. I'm pizen when 
they get me riled up. 

Ger. You think the Count tried to murder you ? 

Josh. You guessed it the fust go. 



50 UNCLE JOSH. 

Ger. Have you any proof? 

Josh. Ef I had, d'you s'pose I'd be standin' here talkin' ? 
Great snakes ! I'd be arter him Hke a king bird arter a hen 
hawk. Yes sir-ee. It's proof that I'm waitin' for — an' when I 
git it thar'll be a bustin' big airthquake sot loose. 

Ger. And you think Letty has been driven to this? 

Josh. Sartin' as two an' two make four. 

Ger. Then I will remain. 

Josh, Now you're showin' a little hoss sense. Course 
you'll remain. 

Enter Count, R. U. E. 

- Count. And of course he vill not. 

Josh, (aside). Hello ! Ther frog air croakin'. 

Count. So you come to sneak back here again, eh ? I did 
suppose you have sense enough to know zat ma'amzelle 
Reynolds laught at you as von leetle big fool. 

Ger. [starting toivard hivi). By heaven — 

Josh, [stopping Gerald). Hold on — leave him to me. 

Count. To you ? You ole hombogs. All I leave to you^ 
ees ze time to pack up and leave ze house. 

Josh, [to Gerald). Ask my sister and niece to come here. 

Ger. Very well, [exit R. U. E) 

Count. Vot you mean, eh ? 

Josh. Set down an' I'll tell you. 'Twont take long, [they 
sit at opposite sides of table). Say, Count, d'you know anything 
'bout American law ? 

Count, [startled). American law? No sare, and I do not 
wish to. 

Josh. Don't, eh ? Wall, can't say es how I blame you 
much. You see, Count, American law air sorter mixed. Out 
West they hang a man fust, an' try him arterward — 'ceptin' 
he's been 'busin' a woman er stealin' a hoss, when they hang 
him anyhow. Down in Jarsey they hang men on gineral prin- 
ciples; sometimes they string up ther wrong feller, but he 



UNLLF, JOSH. 51 

prob'ly desarved it, er he wouldn't ben livin' in Jarsey. Here 
in York State they don't hang men at all, but [imth meantjig), 
when a feller tries blackmail er murder, they send him ter 
State's prison and — 

CoUN'J-. {rising). Sare ! I endure no insinuations. 

Josh. Set down. 

Count. But sare. I tell you — 

Josh, (sternly). Set down ! (Count sits). Now, jest what 
your little game is here, 1 don't know, and I don't keer. But 
it won't work — not by a consarned jugful. 

Count. Ah, but it vill. 

Josh, {pounds table). Yer lie, condemn yer! 

Count, {rising). Sare ! 

Josh, {rising). Set down ! Set down, er I'll strangle 
yer. 

Count, {sits). Veil — go on. 

Josh. I guess not You're ther one that's goin', an' yer 
goin' mighty sudden, {both rise and come doiun). 

Count. And vere do I go ? I tell you. I go to ze news- 
paper office. Ze New York newspaper love a sensation. I 
tell zem how ze fashionable Madame Reynolds be not married 
to ze man whose name she bears — zat she be his mistress and 
her daughter a — 

Josh, {throttles CoiJ'ii'V, forcing him to his knees). You lyin' 
whelp ! 

Enter Gerald quickly, R. U. E., followed by Letty and 
Mrs. Reynolds. They go L. 

Ger. {rushing to Josh.) Stop, sir ! What are you doing ? 
Josh. I'm wonderin' wether this snake is wuth killin'. 
Ger. You must not. 

Josh. Wall — git up. (Count rises and goes R. front.) 
Mrs. R. Brother, what is it ? 

Josh. I'll tell you. That air thing {pointing to Count), 
was lyin' about you, an' I choked him. 



52 UNCLE JOSH. 

Count [guickly). It be no lie. I say you be not ze vife of 
ze Reynolds, for he had von at ze time. 

Mrs. R. That is a cowardly falsehood. 

Count. Paf ! I know Reynolds. I see him married. 
And here I have ze proof. [sJw7vs certificate). You read it ? 
(Mrs. Reynolds r;Y?.f.f^^, takes certificate). Read it carefully, 
and zen tell me how you like it. 

Mrs. R. It is true — it is true ! (aside). Oh, Letty, my child! 

Josh. Keep up yer pluck. Let me have a look at it. 
{takes paper. Mrs. R. returns L. and sits. Y^^tty stands beside 
her). I've married no end o' folks to home in Varmont, an' I 
guess I know when these things air reg'lar. 

Count. Read it zen — if you have enough sense. 

Ger. I understand now, Letty. But I don't believe him. 

Let. Oh, thank you, Gerald. 

Josh. Wall, I'll be gosh fired! (scratches head). This 
air's a tarnal mess. Aint no sense to it. It's all Dutch. 

Count, (aside). Dutch ? Ze old fool — he make my stomach 
seek. 

Ger. It's French, sir. Let me see it. (takes paper) . 

Josh. French ? Wall, French is Dutch to me. 

Ger. .Who is Joseph Clark ? 

Count. An American gentleman who see ze ceremony. 

Josh. Is it straight ? 

Ger. (sadly). I am afraid so. 

Josh, (takes paper). Wall, in that case he's got us. 

Count. Yes sare. I have ze upper hand. Be good 
enough to return ze certifeecate and get out. 

Josh, (examines paper closely). Say — when did this marriage 
take place ? 

Count. Twenty years ago — see ze date for yourself. 

Josh. And this here paper was signed then ? 

Count. To be sure. 

Josh, (ivaving paper). Whoop ! Hooray I Three cheers 
an' a tiger ! 



UNCLK JOSH, 53 

Count. Vot ails ze ole fool now ? 

Let. Uncle, what is it ? 

Josh. Forgery — that's what 

All. Forgery 1 

Josh. You bet. Oh, you sly, sneakin', frog-eating furriner, 
I've got yer now. Why, you thunderin' idjit, this paper was 
made by ther Varmont Paper Mills; thare's the trademark 
es plain as day — an' they've been in business only five 
years. 

Count. Perdition/ I'm done. 

Josh. Guess yer be — done brown. And what's more, you'll 
be black and blue purty soon, (pulls up sleeves). 

Mrs. R. Let him go, brother — let him go. 

Efiter MuNSON and Joe, C Z>. 

MuN. Not just yet, madam. I have something to say to 
this — gentleman. 

Count. Who are you, sare ? 

Joe. Who is he ? Hear the infernal blab. Let me get at 
him. The lying cur that he is. 

Mun. Easy, Joseph, easy. I'll take care of him. 

Josh, (a? Munson). Everything fixed ? 

MuN. Dead to rights. I made Joe believe that the Count 
had blabbed, so he turned state's evidence. 

Count {aside). I like not ze looks of sings. I better make 
von skeep. {goes up). 

MuN. Not just yet. Count. 

Count. Dare you stop me ? 

MuN. Got to. Attempted murder is an ugly charge — and 
you must answer for it, my beauty. 

Josh. And so is forgery. Give him the whole charge, Mr. 
Officer, fer we wanter roast him in first-class style. 

Count. Stand aside ! Stand aside, I tell you now ! 

Josh. Mighty sassy, aint he ? 

Count. Sacre ! I show you. {draws knife and rushes at 



54 UNCLE JOSH. 

Josh. A brief struggle. Knife drops. Josh, throws Count 
and kneels o?i hint). 

Josh. Gimme your handcuffs. (Munson does so). Thar! 
{Jiandcuffs Count and lifts him to his feet). When you git out 
er jail, come up ter Varmont an' I'll learn yer how ter rassle. 
Wont charge yer nothin' neither. 

Count. You have ze best of me now, but I soon be free, 
and zen I square ze account. 

Josh. All right. Come round in twenty or thirty years 
er whenever yer git out, an' I'll make it interesting. 

Count. Ah, you ole — 

MuN. That's enough. Sorry to have such a fracas here, 
but business is business. Good-day. {exit with Count and 
Joe, C. D.) 

Mrs. R. Brother, you have saved us. 

Ger. You have given me a wife, {einbraces Letty). 

Let. And me a husband. 

Josh. Then I haint got nuthin' left ter du, more'n to give 
my blessin', cos ther laws o' Varmont don't 'low me ter splice 
folks in York State, {comes down a little). But ef you, er any 
of your friends, wanter be married slicker'n greased lightnin', 
fer two dollars, come up to Varmont, an' I'll do it in maple 
sugar style. 

Curtain. 

R. Gerald. Letty. Josh. Mrs. R. Z. 





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OONTENTS OF= NO. 1, 



Keep the Mill A-going (Fine Poem). 

Faces in the Fire i Fine Poem). 

In School Days (Fine Poem). 

The Two Roads (Fine Prose). 

E.xtreme Unction. 

Baron Grimalkin's Death (Parody). 

Words and Their Uses (Humorous Poem). 

P'ritz's Troubles. 

Two Christmas Eves (Fine Poem). 

Interview Between School Direc>.ors and 

Janitor 
lo the Memory of the late Brigham Young. 
How Liab and I Parted. 
Old Grimes' Hen (Funny*. 
The Average Modern Traveler 
At My Mother's Grave (Pathos) 
The Newsboy's Debt (Pathetic Poern^. 
Mrs. Potts' Dissipated Husband (Comic). 
1 See the Point. 

The Professor in Shafts (HumorousV 
Mr Sprechelheimer's Mistake (Dialect). 
God's Time. 

The Little Folks' (Thanksgiving Poem). 
The Old Schoolmaster. 
Th« Revolutionary Rising. 
Pat's Letter (Comic). 
How to Go lo Sleep (Comic). 
Nothing (Poem). 
De Pen and De Swoard (Funny). 
A Greyport Legend — 1797, 
The Life Boat is a Gallant Bark. 
Birthday Gifts. 
The Superfluous Man 
Sockery Setting a Hen (Comic). 
The Water that Has Passed. 
Medley^Mary's Little Lamb 
The Launch of the .Ship. 
Aimt Kindly (Fine Pathos). 
Evening at the Farm (Poem) 
llattle of Beal An' Duine. 
I'assing Away. 
Mark Twain and the Interviewei Very 

I'unny). 



Davbreak. 
Triie Life. 

Modern Loyalty ('Satiric Poem, Good). 
Unfinished Still. ' 

Allow for the Crawl (Humorous Poem), 
-The Silent Tower of Bottreaux. 
Gentility. 

The Drunkard (Poem). 
The Poetical Patch Quilt. 
What Is Life ? 

Art Thou Living Yet? (Poem). 
New Year's Chime. 
Song of the Chimney (Comic). 
A Domestic Tempest. 
Common Sense. 

How Mr. Coffin Spelled it (Funny). 
The Old Man in the Palace Car. 
Ego and Echo (Comic Poem). 
A Night Picture. 
A Penitent. 

Rum's Ruin (Fine Temperance Poem). 
The Babies (Humorous). 
What Is It to Me ? 
Our First Commander (Patriotic). 
Horseradish (Comic). 
, The Doom of Claudius and Cynthia (Fine 

Description.) 
Weaving The Web (Fine Poem). 
Broken Home (Pathetic). 
Dream of Eugene Aram (Poem of Great 

Beauty). 
An Expensive Chicken (Humorous). 
Faithful Little Wife. 
Money Musk (Humorous Poem). 
Resisting a Mother's Love (Fine Pathos). 
Spring (Poem) 

The Deacon's Call (Fine Poem). 
Tlie (ihost ''Humorous Poem). 
The Bridge. 
Keenan's Charge. 
The Father of His Country (A Play). 



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Albert Drecker (Pathetic). 
Better in the Morning (Pathetic). 
Blue Sky Somewhere. 
Wounded (Battle Poem). 
Papa's Letter (Pathetic). 
Grandfather's Reverie (Pathetic). 
The Old Village Choir. 
At the Party. 

Romance at Home (Humorous). 
The Legend of the Organ Builder. 
I Vash So Glad I Vash Here (Very Hum- 
porous). 
Der Dog und der Lobster (Humorous). 
What Was His Creed ? 
Dedication of Gettysburg Cemetery. 
Time Turns the Table (Excellent). 
The Man Who Had-'t any Objection 

(Humorous). 
The Soldier's.Mother (Sentimental). 
'* De Pervisions, Josiar " (Humorous). 
A Response to Beauti/u' Snow (Sentimental). 
The Defense of Lucknow (Heroic). 
A Model Discourse (Humorous). 
My Dailing's Shoes. 
The Volunteer Soldiers of the LTnion. 
Life (Compilation". 
The Old-Fashioned Mother. 
Dc 'Sperience ob de Reb'rend Quacko 

Strong (Humorous). 
A Heart to Let. 

Jimmy Butler and the Owl (Humorous). 
Presentiments (.Pathetic). 
Eloquence cr Oratory. 
Raising the Flag at Sumter. 
Parrhasius and the Captive. 
Portent. 

He Wasn't Ready (Humorous). 
The Old Clock in the Corner. 
An Illustration (Fine Description"*. 
The Seven Stages. 
The Bells of Shandon. 



Circuinlocution on the House that Jack 

Built (Fine). 
The Brakeman goes to Church, (Humorous; 
Address to Class of '77, Knox College. 
Bay Billy (Battle Incident). 
The Flood and the Ark (Humorous Dark) 

Sermon). 
The Steamboat Race. 
Battle of Gettysburg. 
A Connubial Eclogue (Humoroys). 
The Chambered Nautilus, 
Ascent of Fu-si Yama. 
The Musician's Tale (Splendid Sea Talc) 
Vera Victoria. 
Ruining the Minister's Parrot (Very 

Funny). 
The Irish Philosopher (Humorous). 

TEMPERANCE PIECES. 

Confession of a Drunkard. 

The Fatal Glass. 

The Gambler's Wife. 

Dream of the Reveler. 

The Lost Steamer. 

One Glass More. 

I'll Take what Father Takes. 

A Glass of Col:l Water. 

The Glass Railroad. 

Signing the Pledge. 

The War with Alcohol. 

A Tragedy. 

Only a Glass of Cider. 

Traffic in Ardent Spirits. 

Why ? 

Pat's Bondsmar^. 

The Modern Cain. 

We do not Stop to Think. 

The Fate of a Fast Young Man. 

Lemonade. 

Hurrah for the Foorth av July. 

Charybdis. 



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CONTENTS OV=^ NO. 3. 



Flash— The Fireman's Story. 

A Smooth Path. 

The Three Friends (Humorous). 

Mosses— Earth's Humblest Children, 

The Nineteenth Century Teacher (Hu- 
morous). 

The Blind Boy and his Candle (a Fable). 

A Thunder Storm (Fine Description). 

He Wouldn't Wash (Humorous). 

The Bells. 

The Blacksmith of Bottle Dell. 

What Farmer Green Said. 

Napoleon at Rest. 

Benedict Arnold's Death-bed. 

Soliloquy (Humorous). 

One Cent and Costs (Humorous). 

Poet and Painter. 

Maud MuUer's Moving (Humorous). 

What is Ambition? (Fine Description). 

Kentucky Philosophy (Very Funny). 

The Problem of Life (Fine). 

Praise of Little Women (Excellent) . 

Address to Class of '77 National School of 
Oratory. 

Rizpah (Fine Pathos). 

Last Charge of Ney. 

Decoration Day Speech (Fine Oration) 

Soldiers' Re-union. 

Music Hath Charms (Humorous). 

Am Life Wuf de Libin ? (Comic). 

The Diamond Wedding. 

The Palace (Descriptive). 

Driving a Cow (Humorous). 

A Condensed Novel. 



God Wills It So. A Plea and Answer 

(Temperance). 
Middlerib's Experiment or Movement Cure 

(Humorous). 
Medley. 

Vat You Please (Humorous). 
Opportunity for Effort. 
Battle of Cannae (Fine Description). 
Pierre La Forge's Dream. 
Quousque Tandem O! Catalina (Humorous) 
Deacon Kent in Politics (First Rate). 
Charge of the Lightning Judge. 
The Wanderer's Bell. 
A Fish Story. 

An American Sam Weller (Humorous). 
Little Graves (Pathetic). 
Magdalen. 

The First Settler's Story (Pathetic). 
King Christmas. 

Christmas Dialogue (for Two Girls). 
Christmas Thoughts. 
St. Nicholas' Dashing Bride. 
Two Views of Christmas (Good Dialogue). 
Hang Up the Baby's Stocking. 
Marriage of Santa Claus (Humorous). 
Christmas Blessing. 
A Christmas Dream (Fine Poem). 
Through the Loopholes. 
Day Before Christmas (a Play). 
The Nativity. 
Ring Out, Wild Bells. 
Mary, the Mother of Jesus. 
Saint Nick. 

The First Christmas (from Ben Hur). 
Saint Christopher (Poem). 



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CONTENTS OF No. 4. 

A Tribute to Grant, (Eloquent). 

The Joshua of 1776, Fine (Description). 

The Latest Barbara Frietchie, (Comic). 

"Leadville Jim." 

Jerry, (Pathetic.) 

The Wee, Wee Bairnie, (Pathetic). 

The Mutilated Currency Question, (Hum- 
orous.) 

Memory, (Poem.) 

How a Song Saved a Soul. 

A Decoration Day Address. 

Mr. Hoffenstein's Bugle, (Very Funny.) 

What the Robin Can Tell. 

Mary's Night Ride, (Vivid Description.) 

Mr. Hopweirs Theory of Suppressing a 
Fire, (Humorous.) 

A Model Summer Hotel, (Humorous.) 

Pat and the Oysters, (Humorous.) 

Family Government, (Apt Illustration.) 

The Heroes and the Flowers, (Beautiful 
Description.) 

Expecting to Get Even. 

Driving a Hen, (Humorous.) 

A. Retrospective. 

Where are Wicked Folks Buried ? 

Romance of a Hat, (Humorous.) 

Forever, (Sentimental.) 

Courtship Fair and Square. 

Every Year, (Didactic.) 

Temperance Song Recital. 

Strangely Related. 

Kit, or Faithful Unto Death, (Pathetic.) 

Sam's Letter, (Very Funny.) 

Kindness. 

A Tribute, to Longfellow. 

Civil War, (Tragic.) 

Petah, (Comic.) 

Drinking a Tear. 

The Married Man and The Bachelor. 

The V— A— S— E. 



Price 25 Cents. 

The Battle of Mission Ridge, (Stirring 

Description.) 
Heroic IVIedley. 
A Christmas Carmen. 
The Girl in Gray. 
An Easter-Tide Deliverance. 
Fading. 
Aurelia's Unfortunate Young Man, (Hum 

orous.) 
Fritz and His Betsy Fall Out, (Humorous. 
Help Me Across, Papa, (Pathetic.) 
Mr. Diffident's Speech. 
Scene from Leah the Forsaken, (Dramatic. ) 
A Railroad Car Scene. 
Death of Little Hackett, (Pathetic.) 
Farmer Stebbins' Appearance on Rollers. 
An Untimely Call. 
He Guessed He'd Fight, (Comic.) 
Only Five Minutes to Live. 
Calling the Angels In. 
Caliber Fifty-four. 
Mother's Doughnuts. 

The Prospects of The Republic; Oration. 
Intensely Utter, (Humorous.) 
Napoleon Bonaparte. 
Autumn Thoughts, (Humorous.) 
A Christmas Song. 
The Froward Duster. 
The Convict's Soliloquy the Night before 

Execution. 
Aunt Sylvia's First Geography Lesson, 

(Humorous.) 
I Am Dying, Egypt, Dying, (Fine Poem.) 
Burdette's Adivce to a Young Man. 
Drinking a Farm, 
Bill Mason's Ride. 
Queen Vashti's Lament. 
Lady Macbeth— Sleep-Walking Scene, 

Tragic. 
Women and Their Ways. 



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NUGGETS PI^OM fPHB MINES OP IMAGINATION. 



CONTENTS OF No. 5. 



PKICE 25 CENTS, POST-PAID. 



A Nameless Hero (Heroic Poem). 

Mark Twain's Mining Story. 

A Culprit (Humorous Poem). 

The Friar's Christmas. 

For the Chief's Daughter (Tragic Poem). 

Burdock's Music Box (Very Funny). 

Eulogy on O'Connell. 

Agnes, 1 Love Thee. 

Neighbors (Specimen of Gossip). 

Jerusalem by Moonlight. 

Purpose. 

The Chariot Race (Fine Description). 

Birth of the Rainbow (Poem). 

Tom's Little Star (Capital Short Poem). 

Unwritten Poems. 

Emancipation of Man (Burlesque). 

Christine. 

How I Tended the Baby (Comic). 

Battle of the Cowpens (Heroic Poem). 

Nebuchadnezzar. 

Universal Education. 

Temperance Lesson — Just Twenty-one. 

Pat's Reason (Comic). 

Defence of Hofer (Patriotic). 

Thet Boy of Ourn (Dialect Poem). 

Hannibal's Address. 

She Referred Him to Her Pa. 

Patriotism. 

Winnie's Welcome (Irish Poem). 

Speech of Patrick Henry (Patriotic Oration) 

My First Pantaloons. 

Peaceable Secession (Oration). 

Pharisee and Sadducee. 

A Soldier Tramp. 

Domestic Economy (Humorous) . 

The Flying Dutchman. 



Une Robe Angelique. 

A Frontier Bridal — Almost a Tragedy 

( Fine Poem). 
The Origin of Scandal. 
The Unknown Speaker (Prize Oration). 
Decoration Day Poem — "Memorial Day." 
Little Charlie's Big Story. 
The Donkey's Dream (Humorous). 
Startling Revelations (Very Funny). 
"There is a Spiritual Body.'' 
Praying for Papa. 
Minding the Hens (Humorous). 
Der Shpider und Der Fly. 
One Thing He Forgot. 
Curly-Head. 
Jimmie's Prayer. 
He Gave Him a Start. 
Shall America Betray Herself.' 
Kiss Deferred, The (Fine Pathetic Poem.) 
If I Were a Boy Again. 
The Rustle of a Wing. 
Light over the Range (Miner's Dialect). 
Grady's Great Speech, "The New South." 
The Oak and the Vine (Humorous). 
Cassandra Brown. 
Empty Nest, The. 
Aux Italiens (a Poem). 
The Blind Preacher. 
Lorraine. 

The Curtain Fixture (Humorous) 
The Telegram. 

She Would be a Mason (Humorous). 
A Mysterious Duel. 
The Last Hymn, a Story of Shipwreck. 
Waiting for the Bugle. 
The Codfish. 



T. S. DENISON. Publisher, 

163 Randolph Street, OHIO AGO. 





TfiAN 'Unit 

F{E6IIPATI0N SbF^IBS 

ALL SORTS OF GOOD THINGS 
CONTENTS OF No. 6. PRICE POST-PAID, PAPER, 25 CENTS. 



Boy, A Brave, Temperance Recitation. 

Bachelor of Many, One 

Bill Nye's Hired Girl, Very Funny. 

Beggar Boy, Only a. Pathetic. 

Break ! Break ! Break ! 

Brakeman, About a, Comic Sarcasm. 

Christmas Carol, A 

Chinese Lilies, Beautiful Sentiment. 

Concert, A Home, Fine Domestic Tribute. 

Counting Eggs, Negro Dialect i^Good Encore.) 

Conquered, A Song for the 

Camp, Music in, G. A. R. Recitation. 

Diffidence. 

Down the Stream, Pathetic Life Lesson. 

De Massa ob de Sheepfol'. 

Decoration Day Oration . 

Dead, He Woke the. Comic Negro Speech. 

Disappointment, Sore, A Vainly Sought Kiss. 

Elder Sniffles' Courtship, Very Humorous. 

Elf-Child, The, Good Encore. 

Flood of Years. The 

Four Flies, The, Comic Boarding House Epi- 
sode. 

Fence o' Scripture Faith, The, Pathetic 
Scotch Dialect. 

God in History. 

Girls Study, How, Humorous. 

Grant, Eulogy on, Pathetic. 

Guilty, Yes, I'm, Temperance 

Human Littleness. 

Ireland, Appeal to, Patriotic, Oratorical. 

[s Fidelity Eternal ? 

Long Ago, Fine Retrospect. 

Love Song, A Concord, Extravaganza. 

Logan, A Tribute to, Patriotic. 

Mary Stuart, Scene from. Dramatic (fine) 

McDonald's Charge at Wagram, Heroic. 



Marriage, A Theosophic, Humorous. 

Maiden Martyr, Pathetic Poem. 

Mysterious Rappings. 

Model Woman, The 

Musket, The Man with a, Patriotio, 

Mary Jane, The Modern, and Mediaeval Bal- 
lad of, Fine Shadow Picture Piece. 

Niagara's Sacrifice. 

Norine. 

Nothin' to Say. 

On the Other Train, Pathetic. 

Outlaws, The 

Price of a Drink,The,Temperance Recitation. 

Pin, A 

Pickett's Charge at Gettysburg, Heroic. 

Parson Kelley. 

Prayer. 

Rainy Day, The 

Romans, Appeal to the, Oratorical. 

Santa Claus, A Sailor. 

Scrooge's Reformation. 

Sign Board, Temperance Poem. 

Sojourners. 

Soubrette's Revenge, The, Good Hit at Re- 
porters. 

Stern and Wild, His Eye Was, Comic Anti- 
Climax. 

Serenade, A Hopeless, Comic. 

Scene from Richelieu, Dramatic. 

Toboggan Slide, Miss Splicer's, Comic. 

Tribute, A Just, Comic. 

Trouble in the Choir, Humorous Poem. 

Un Potpourri D' Elocution, Medley. 

Valedictory, A Modern High School, Bur- 
lesque. 
Why It Was Cold in May. 
What is a Minority ? 



T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

163 Randolph Street, CHICAGO. 



B0THIN6 BETTER .SmZa 

BV M. 1^. SOPER. 

HERE BE CONCEITS BOTH WISE AND WITTY. 
Price, Post-Paid, Paper, 25 Cents. 

CONTENTS OF NT7MBER 7. 



Dying Captain, The (Pathetic). 

How Mr. Blinks Named the Baby, (Funny) 

Self Conceit. 

Legal Attachment, A. 

Graphic Story of the Light Brigade, A 

(Heroic). 
Dat Yaller Gown, (Negro) 
Party at Mr. Wigglesworth's, A. 
Our Mmister's Sermon, (Poetry). 
Little Johnnie Visits the Dime Museum, 

(Capital Humor) 
Three Chairs, The. 
Transpositions. 
Jiners, The (Comic). 
Ensign Bearer, The (Patriotic). 
Where is My Hat? (Comic). 
Mother's Angel, The. 
'♦Awfully Lovely" (Philosophy). 

Both Sides of the Story. 

Unfinished Prayer, The. 

Damascus. 

Orpheus and Eurydice, (Very Funny Poem). 

Coffee My Mother Used to Make, The 

First Piano in a Mining Camp, The. 

Loved, Not Lost, The. 

Ride on Black Valley Railroad, (Temperance) 

True Men. 

Silver Wedding, The. 

Finding of the Cross, The (Fine Poem). 

Very Provoking. 

Mission of the Press, The. 

Kerrected, (Yankee Dialect). 

Sorra the Day. 

Little Joe's Flowers, (Pathetic). 

.\rtie's Amen. 

Old Sweetheart of Mine, An 



Connor, (Pathetic). 
He Gets There, (A Fable). 
She Wanted to Learn Elocution, (Bur- 
lesque). 
Naughty Girl's Life in a Hotel, A. 
Pilot's Story, The (Fine Poem). 
Old Man and Jim, The. 
Speech of the Hon. Perverse Peabody 
on the Acquisition of Cuba (Comic). 
Nocturnal Sketch. 
Century from Washington, A (Patriotic). 

Triangular Tragedy, A. 

Brother Antonio, (Poem) . 

Bell of Liberty, The. 

Deserter, A 

Edmund Burke, (Oration). 

The Diver. 

Aunty Doleful's Visit, (Humorous). 

A Field Battery, (Battle Scene). 

Owed to Halifax. 

Senator Ingalls' Great Speech on Death 
of Burnes of Missouri, (Eulogy). 

The Guest. 

Aunt Sophronia Tabor at the Opera, 
(Comic) 

Cleopatra.. 

Sword of Damocles, (Terrors of Con- 
science), 

Daisy's Story. 

Uncle, The (Fine Poem). 

Her Reply. 

Mr. and Mrs. Bowser's Family Jar. 

Easter Song. 

Cupid among the Strawberries, (A play). 
Hindrances to Happiness. 



T, S. DENISON, Publisher, 

163 Randolph St„ CHICAGO. 



THB I-ITTl-B FOLKS 

"Will Find Just the Thing- to Please them in 

By MARY J. JACQUES. 

FOR SCHOOL, CHURCH OR PARLOR ENTERTAINMENTS. 

While nearly all the exercises in the book may be used for public entertainments, 
Part I furnishes a choice variety of exercises in language, numbers, animated nature, 
motion-songs and marching exercises, adapted to popular tunes, etc , 
FOR DAILY USE IN THE SCHOOLROOM. 
They ivill greatly assist the hard-worked teacher o/ smaller children in 
city or country. It contains: 
Szercises, adapted foT* marching to popular tunes. 

Motion Songs, adapted to popular tunes. 

Games in Grammar, Geography and Arithmetic 
Exercises on Trees, Plants, Flowers. Exercises on Animals. 

Exercises in Anatomy and Physiology. 

The Seasons, Sun Earth, Wind, Zones. 
The Senses, Races of Men, Industries etc. 
Charades, Tableaux, Dialogues, Pantomimes, Allegories, Pantomime 

Tableaux, Declamations, etc. 
"Her suggestions are useful, her whole book is very bright, and the exercises 
suggested, are both easily done and effective." — Iowa Normal Monthly. 

BOUND IN STRONG MANILA COVERS, POSTPAID, 50 CENTS. 

A NEW BOOK, BY MARY J. JACQUES. 

Author of ^^ -WOIIK AN D PLAY," 

This book is brimful of all sorts of good things with which to beguile an evening. 
Young persons at a loss to know how to amuse a few friends at an evening party, will 
find here just what they want. The Exercises hava very Great Variety, and are 
suitable for PARLOR, SCHOOL, CHURCH, or LITERART ENTERTAIN- 
MENTS. 

STIRRING GAMES (11 Games) ODDS AND ENDS (5 Games.) 

TALKING '• (13 Games) CHARADES (12 Pieces) 

GUESSING " (13 Games) PANTOMIMES (7 Pieces.) 

WRITING " ( 7 Games) ..SHADOW SCENES. 

Illustrations of the Poets (These are sure to take.) 

PUZZLBDOM. — Watch Puzzle, Arithmetic Puzzle?, Enigmas, Conundrums, 

Intellectual Feats, Bishop's Puzzle, Anagrams, Charades, Riddles. 

"Provides a world of fun at very little expense." — Illinois School Journal. 

PRICE. — Cloth Back, Manila Sides, 50 Cents. 

O^HB. 'VsTax Kiggrr ©how 



The 
resent appropriate 



limbs of the figures are supposed to be moved by machinery so as to rep- 
opriale motions of the figures. Mrs. Jarley explains each ' figger," which 
is represented by a living person. Fine opportunities for local hits. 

THE BOOK CONTAINS FIFTY-FIVE FIGURES. 
Twenty-one of these, arranged by T. S. Denison. have never appeared in print 
before. They are entirely modern, and "take off" the oddities of the present day up 
to the latest. The contents are : The Chamber of Secrets; Chamber of Modern 
Wonders; Chamber of Great Men of the Day; Chamber of Freaks of Nature; Cham- 
ber of Horrors; Chamber of Beauty; Historical Chamber; Museum of Notorious 
Curiosities. 

PRICE, PAPER COVER, 25 CENTS. 

T. S. DENISON, Publislier, 

1 63 Randolph St., - - CHICAGO. 



Pantomimes, Charades, Tableaux, etc. 

Bv SARAH L. STOCKING, 

Author of School and Parlor Tableaux. 

In addition to the Shadow Pictures, consisting of comic scenes, illustrated proverbs, 

pantomimes, etc., the book contains directions for statuary and a picture gallery. 

The whole forms a choice repertoire for schools, clubs, churches, etc. Full directions 

^iven for shadows, tableaux, etc. 

PRICE, PAPER COVER, 25 CENTS. 



School and Parlor Tableaux, 

By SARAH L STOCKING. 
A choice selection of original tableaux for school, church and parlor entertainment. 
They embrace a wide range of subjects, from the classical to the comic. 

THE BOOK CONTAINS 58 Tableaux and 5 Fine Pantomime Plays. These 
tableaux have proved so popular that several editions have been sold. 
PRICE, PAPER COVER, 25 CENTS. 

CHOICE PIECES FOR LITTLE PEOPLE. 

A fresh collection of the very best things for the little folks, consisting of 
Very Short Pieces of a Pew Lines only, for the Smallest Tots. 
Pieces Illustrating a Moral. 

Pieces about Birds, Animals and Flowers. 
Funny Rhymes and Jingles. 

Pieces to be Read or Spoken. 

Dialogues and Charades. 
PRICE, PAPER COVBR, 25 CENTS. 

The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 



A choice collection of popular pieces, in three parts. Part I contains pieces for 
older boys and girls ; Part II contains short pieces for little folks ; Part III consists of 
short pithy dialogues for boys and girls. 

T am very much pleased with the 'Speaker' which was received to-day. It is 
just what 1 wanted." — Lettie M. Cunmins, Woodstock., III.. 

PRICE, PAPER COVER, 25 CENTS. 

The Friday Afternoon Dialogues 

By T. S. DENISON. 
Twenty-Five Short, Spicy Dialogues in One rook. 

Some for boys only ; some for girls only ; some for both. These dialogues are not 
a rearrangement of some old dialogue or story. They are all original and have & point. 
Their large and continuous sale is sufficient evidence of their popularity. 

CONTENTS.— A Domestic Wanted; Playing Secretary; The Ghost in the Kitch- 
en; Temptation Resisted ; The Boaster Rebuked ; The Tea Party ; The Bashful 
Boy; The May Queen; The Anniversary Meeting; The Runaways; The Quack; The 
Debating Society, The Amusement Circle; The Patent Right Agent; The Society for 
the Suppression of Gossip; A Country Lawsuit; Lost Opportunities; An April Fool; 
Always Too Late. Charades:— Scandinavia; Grateful; Scintillate; Intensity; Stockade. 

"I find your Friday Dialogues just the thing for school entertainments." — Mate 
S. lioyt., Honey Creek. Wis. 

PRICE, PAPER COVER, 25 CENTS. 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher. 
1 63 Randolph Street, - - CHICAGO. 



The Deba ter's H and-Book. 

By a. J. KINNAMAN. 

The publisher believes this book will fill a place occupied by no other. It is not 
only a manual of parliamentary usages, but a careful and complete guide to all matters 
pertaining to ORGANIZATION. 

In the matter of PARIilAMENTAJaY USAGES it is full and accurate. It 
contains a CHART which shows at a glance the order of precedence of most of the 
points which may possibly arise. TIiisfeatn7-e alone is -worik the price of the book. 
It gives in brief space all the essentials of parliamentary usages as applied to LODGES, 
G. A. R. POSTS, HIGH SCHOOL SOCIETIES, LITERARY AND DEBATING 
CliXTBS, TOWN AND WARD MEETINGS, POLITICAL CONVENTIONS, ETC 

DEBATING CLUBS will find this book unequaled. It tells you all about how to 
start the machinery. Hoiv to outline and prepare a debate. It givtsyull debates so 
that the inexperienced speaker may know about what he is expected to say, and how 
much is required to fill his allotted time. 

IN ORGANIZATION the "Debater's Hand-Book" excels. It begins with the 
first steps and gives a model orgsmizaUon. Also models for Constitution, By-Laws^ 
Expense A ccounts^ etc. 

PRICE, CLOTH, 50 CENTS. 

"All essential points are clearly made." — Indiana School Journal. 

That a man is known by his manners is a saying too trite to need a repetition here. 
History is full of instances where a very slight blunder has ruined a person's prospects 
of attaining a coveted object. Youth is the time to acquire good manners, but it is 
never too late to learn. This book is concise, correct, and up to date. It contains 
numerous models of notes, invitations, ^\.c. The chapter on COURTSHIP AND 
MARRIAGE is one of the best ever published Without being silly it deals with 
this tender subject in a way that will greatly assist the inexperienced. A gem of a 
book. Paper cover, illustrated in seven colors. 

Price, Paper Cover, 30 Cents; Cloth, 50 Cents. 
"Filled with such information as young people need to possess." — ///. School Journal^ 

Evehtbody'3 Letter "Writer. 

By MARY E. NASH, 
Preceptress Chicago Female College. 
After a brief chapter on punctuation, use of capitals and other preliminaries, this 
book is entirely devoted to letters. What most people need is not theory but a model 
to show them how a thing is done. Here are about seventy letters on many subjects. 
When you wish to write a letter you have only to consult the book, find your model, 
and then form your letter upon that, putting what you want to suit yourself. 

"Everybody's Letter Writer" is not full of love-sick effusions and long- 
winded models of high-flown style from impossible Chesterfields to imaginary Counts 
or Duchesses It is plain, easy, and to the point. It will tell you anything you really 
need in the way of a letter. »-. 

Price, Paper, 30 Cents; Cloth, 50 Cents. 

Dialogue s from DicKtn^. 

This little book contains some of the most striking dramatic scenes from the works 
of Dickens. 1 hese pieces may be rendered in any parlor or schoolroom. 

CONTENTS. — Copperfield's Proposal; Squeers' School; The Prentice Knights, 
Spenlow and Jorkins; Mrs. Gamp's lea; The Circumlocution Office; The Boy at 
Mugby; The triendly Move;_ Bumble's Courtship; Return of Sol Gills; Mr. Pecksniff; 
Bardell vs. Pickwick; Mr. Micawber. 

PRICE, PAPER COVER, 25 CENTS. 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 
1 63 Randolph Street, - - CHICAGO. 



RT^HIOPIAN PUAYS. 

Price 15 Cents Each, Pcstpaid. 



These plays are 
apparatus is required, 
which white characters occur. 



all short, and very funny. Little or no stage 
The number of darkies is given in those plays in 



STAGE STRUCK DARKEY. 

A very funny burlesque on high act- 
ing; 2 ni., I f. Time 10 m. Three 
negroes play Claude Melnotte, Lady 
Macbeth, Macduff, "Lucimicub," Damon 
and Pythias, etc. 

STOCKS UP— STOCKS DOWN. 

2 m. A played-out author and his 
sympathising friend. Time, S m. Very 
funny and full of business Ludicrous 
description of a fire. 

DEAF-IN A HORN. 

2 m. Negro musician and a deaf pupil. 
Time. S m. The "'pupil" has a large horn 
which he uses for an ear trumpet pre- 
tending to be very deaf. By stratagem 
the teacher causes him to hear suddenly. 

HANDY ANDY. 

- m., master and servant. Time 12 m. 
-' rvant makes all sorts of ludicrous mis- 
lakes, and misunderstands every order. 

THE MISCHIEVOUS NIGGER. 

A very popular farce; 4 m , 2 f. Time, 
20 m. ((July one darky, the mischievous 
nigger.) Scene : Chamber and bedroom 
off. Requires two sham babies. Char- 
acters : Antony Snow (the nigger), old 
man, French barber, Irishman, nurse, 
Mrs. Norton. 

THE SHAM DOCTOR. 

_A negro farce; 4 m., 2 f. Time, 15 m. 
Liverheel turns doctor, and practices on 
"old Johnson." The sham doctor will 
bring down the house. 

*'0 CURE, NO PAY. 

. 3 m. (1 darky), i f. Time, 10 m. Will 
Thei'" largest fastidious; a good piece for 
_rV3»k ^rlor. 

HAUNTED HOUSE. 

2 m , landlord and a whitewasher 'also 
2 or 3 ghosts.) Time, 8 m. The white- 
washer discovers spirits in a house where 
he is at work, and is frightened badly in 
consequence. 

AN UNHAPPY PAIR. 

,5 rn. (and males for a band ) Time, 10 
m. Two hungry "niggers" strike the 
musicians for a square meal. Good for 
school or parlor Very funny; ends with 
a burlesque duet. 



THE TWO POMPEYS. 

4 m. Time. S m. A challenge to a 
duel is worked up in a very humorous 
manner until the courage oozes out of the 

duellists. 

TRICKS. 

A negro farce; 5 m., 2 f. Time, 10 m. 
(Only 2 darkies, i m., i f.) 

THE JOKE ON SQUINIM. 

A negro farce (Black Statue improved), 
by W. B Sheddaw; 4 m.. 2 f. Time, 25 
m. Scenes: A barn and a plain room. 

QUARRELSOME SERVANTS. 

,^ m. Time, 8 m l\Ir. Jenkins is un- 
able to procure servants who will not 
quarrel. He advertises for a male cook 
and an hostler. The interview with the 
candidates is uproariously comical. 

SPORTS ON A LARK. 

3 in. Time, S m. Two niggers who 
are dead broke meet and get acquainted. 
Business is very lively and taking. 

OTHELLO AND DESDEMONA. 

2 m. Time, 12 m. A side-splitting 
burlesque on the chamber scene in 
Othello. The strangling of "Desdemo- 
na" will bring down the house every 
time. 

BACK FROM CALIFORNY; Or, Old 

Clothes. 

3 m. Time, 12 m. Things get badly 
mi.xed and the clothes are locked in the 
wrong trunks. 

UNCLE JEFF. 

A farce. 5 m. '2 negroes ) 2 f. Time, 
25 m. A very popular farce. 

ALL EXPENSES; Or Nobody's Son. 

2 m. Time, 10 m. Artemus Buz i 
manage 



_ , and Jemius Fluticus applies for 
a situation in his company. Very funny, 

PROF. BLACK'S FUNNYQRAPH. 

A nigger burlesque on the phonograph; 
6 m., and niggers for audience ^on the 
stage). Time, 15 m. 

JUMBO JUM. 

A farce 4 m. (i negro), 3 f. Time. 30 
m. A popular farce wherever negro 
humor of the stage type is appreciated. 



T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 163 Randolph Street, CHICAGO. 



Any Piay on this List I! 
Plays by T S. DENISO 

That the play- written by T. S. 
son are all things considered, tin 
for amateurs, is attested by their very 
large and increasing sale. 

ODDS WITH THE ENEMY. 

A drama in five acts; 7 male and 4 
female characters. Time, 2 hours. 

SETH GREENBACK. 

A drama in ( acts; 7 male and , fe- 
male Time, i h., 15 m. 

INITIATING A GRANGER. 

A ludicrous farce; 8 male. Time, 25 m. 
WANTED, A CORRESPONDENT. 

A farce in 2 acts; 4 male, 4 female. 
Time, 45 m. 

A FAMILY STRIKE. 

A farce,, ^ male, 3 female. Time, 20 m. 
TWO GHOSTS IN WHITE. 

A humorous farce, boarding schof)! 
life; S female characters. Time 25 m. 

THE ASSESSOR. 

A humorous sketch; 3 male and 2 fe- 



,L?.S.?^ ^^ CONGRESS 

mm. 

A drama irr 3 acis, -5 ™i(K : 



Free. 



lale. Time, 10 m. 

BORROWING TROUBLE. 

3 



male and 



A ludicrous farcej 
male. Time, 20 m. 

COUNTRY JUSTICE. 
Amusing country lawsuit ; S male 
characters. (May admit 1 1.) Time, 15 m. 
THE PUIiL-BACK. 
A laughable farce; 6 female. Time, 
20 m. 

HANS VON SMASH. 
A roaring farce in a prologue and one 
act; 4 male and ,? female. Time, 30 m. 

OUR COUNTRY. 

A patriotic drama. Requires 10 male^ 
5 female. (Admits 11 n\. 15 f.) Four fine 
tableaux. Time about i hour. 

THE SCHOOIiMA'AM. 

A brilliant comedy in 4 acts; 6 male, 5 
female. Time i hour, 45 m. 

THE IRISH lilNEN PEDDLER. 

A lively farce; 3 male, 3 female. Time 
40 m 

THB KANSAS IMMIGRANTS. 

jrce; 5 male, i female. 



A roaring 
Time, 20 m. 

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING. 

A capital farce ; 3 male, 6 female. 
Time, 43 m. 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 



SR 

and 
male. Time, i hour, 15 m. 

PETS OF SOCIETY. 

A farce; 7 female. Time, 25 m. 
HARD CIDER. 

A very amusing temperance sketch; 4 
male, 2 female. Time, to m. 

LOUVA, THE PAUPER. 

A drama in 5 acts; o male and 4 fe- 
male characters. Time, i hour, 45 m. 

UNDER THE LAURELS. 

A drama in five acts; a stirring play, 
fully equal to Louva the Pauper. Kive 
male, 4 female. Time, 1 hour, 45 m. 

THE SPARKLING CUP. 

A temperance drama in five acts; 12 
male and 4 female. Time 2 h. 

THE DANGER SIGNAL. 

A drama; 7 male, 4 female. Time 2 h. 
WIDE ENOUGH FOR TWO 

A farce; 5 male, 2 female. Time, 45 m. 

BOOKS FOR ENTERTAINMENTS. 

WORK AND PLAY. 

For little folks. Exercises in letters, 
numbers, objects, geography, anmials, 
motion-songs, dialogues, charades, etc., 
etc., postpaid, 50c. 

PRANKS AND PASTIMES. 

For home, school or church. Nearly 
100 games, charades, scenes, etc., 50c. 

Negro Minstrel Book, 25c. 

Social Gained at Cards, 35c. 

Private Theatricals, how to get up, 
S5c. 

WHEN LESSONS ARK OVER. 

Dialogues, Plays, Nuts to Crack, 25c. 
ENCHANTED WOOD. 

Bright, New Opera. Price, 35c. 

Dialect Readings, humorous, 2,Eis^ 

THE FRIDAY DIALOGUES. 

Short, lively. P>oys and (Hrls. Price 25c. 

FRIDAY AFTERNOON SPEAKER. 

P'or little folks, for older boys and girls, 
short, pithy dialogues. Price 25c. 

Dialogues from Dickens, 25c. 

Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, Tab- 
leaux, etc.. etc , 25c. 

Choice Pieces for Little People, 25c. 

School and Parlor Tableaux, 25c. 

Debater's Handbook, cloth, 50c. 

Everybody's Letter Writer, 30c. 

Good Manners, paper cover, 30c. 

163 Randolph Street, CHICAGOc 



